Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dear world

I have post partum depression/mood disorder/whatever the hell you want to call it. Basically there is a chemical imbalance in my head that coupled with my history and what have you is making me feel like shit. That's the technical medical description.

I have happy periods, I have anxious periods, I have angry periods and I have major sad periods. Those are my moods, no inbetweens anymore. My doctor worries I might be bipolar. I'm not terribly worried since my happy periods basically mean I don't feel like offing myself and can get the house clean.

Yes, there are times I feel suicidal. I refer to my sad period as my Dark Passenger-it gives me a laugh to be cheesey, however unlike Dexter's Dark Passenger, it's not concerned with wrapping the world up in plastic and stabbing them through the heart. Unfortunately for me, it tells me all sorts of things like I'm worthless, that my family would be better off without me, that no one values me, that I have no value. It takes over at a moment's notice, often when I'm feeling unsupported, not valued, and not considered. However unlike normal times when I can shrug it off and deal with it like a normal person, the Dark Passenger comes and offers that as evidence as to why I'm such a crummy person.

This is what I deal with. The other part of my brain is wired for survival against this character who is bent on self destruction. That means my energy is nil, it means I might not be the most perky happy go lucky person in the world, which sucks, truly it does around Christmastime. I understand you want to be happy and my moods are impinging on that, but guess what? So do I. I don't like being like this. I don't like crying myself to sleep eagerly awaiting my tranquilizer to take effect so I can sleep and escape the pain I feel. I don't like spending my nights praying to God to give me the strength to weather this. Believe me, I want to be happy, more than you do right now, I guarantee it.

I'm also dealing with the guilt that I am not being the happy person that everyone is counting on, but there is one part of former me that exists and it's pissed. She saying that I've done a pretty good job at supporting people through their times of stress, depression, angst. I've never told them to snap out of it (in not so many words) or pressure them one way or another to be happy and make the most of it. I have a laundry list of times that I could mention where people's moods have made my life hard, but I sucked it up, because sometimes when a loved one is sick, that is what you do. And yes, I feel sick. I don't feel like myself and I can't control it, which scares the hell out of me.

So if I'm not being the perfect wife/daughter/friend/brown Martha Stewart/mother-I put mother last because this is the area I will focus on first, I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry. I want you to be happy, I truly do, and I am working on making myself better. I am trying to put myself in happy situations, writing for therapy, taking meds, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, you name it. However for the next little while, I will not be the MamaJoy you are used to, and I know you have complaints, the line up is to the left and the regular Joy gets dibs. However please try to remember that I have been a support to you at some times, I have been the strong one, I have kept my frustrations and complaints to myself and have weathered the storm with you, it wasn't easy, so I wouldn't wish it on my loved ones, but here it is. I am asking for your love, support and understanding and I promise, some day when "you're not strong, I'll be your friend, and help you carry on". Sorry, cheesey makes me happy, that I will not apologize for.

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