Monday, August 27, 2012


Well the good news is, I'll be starting school fulltime in September. The bad news is...well I don't think there is bad news, maybe packed lunches, but I'll be on a path towards a new life, new career. I'm supported by wonderful people, looking forward to learning and applying myself and lunches with the gals now that I'm downtown.

It does require a change though. September is full of them and though I've been baptized by fire in learning how to navigate change, it still makes me anxious. The biggest change would be having my kids spend an extra night at their fathers and not being a stay at home mother anymore. I don't like being away from my kids. Well, I like the break, the sleeping in, the freedom to make something filled with mushrooms for dinner and not hearing complaints, but I think like most mothers, they want their chicks close by. It hurts looking into their rooms and seeing empty beds at times, sending them off, kissing their cheeks and knowing I'm not going to hear about their days or see their silly antics. I don't like missing out on parts of their lives, and filling in the rest, well there never really seems to be enough time.

I'm hoping school will keep me busy enough to distract me from their absence. It's also a significant change in my identity. Being a mother will no longer be my only responsibility. It will be my main responsibility, but I'll have papers, placements and jobs to tend to. I'm pretty excited looking forward to it as I've always been a hard worker and good student, but scared would also be a good word to use too.

I have had to change a lot over these past 18+ months. I recently made an impression on someone who got to meet me at the start of my separation. Everyone tells me I have changed, but I remember my interactions with that person very vividly and so did she. After hearing me express myself in a very passionate, but controlled and assertive way, she congratulated me on coming so far. I was so passive once upon a time, a person lost in their marriage and kids. It was safe there, no risks really...well, none that I knew of. LOL To see me then and now, there are two different people and that interaction really drove it home for me.

I look different, carry myself differently, assert myself, pursue, challenge and persevere now. While I still feel that person tug back at me frightened every time I have to go and knock some heads, I still have to go and knock some heads and am starting to get pretty good at it. Had I not done that last week, I wouldn't be preparing for school this week.

So hopefully, the transition from strictly mother to Supermother will go a little more easily than I anticipate. It's another step forward, a positive one for sure, a big one. The same person who had congratulated me, told me a while back that this is a good thing, that I was giving my kids a mother who had a little something going for her, who had more depth and a life of her own. I took that to heart. I'm not saying being a stay at home mom doesn't give other people that, but its not enough for me anymore. It was a wonderful time and I do hope in the future to have a job where I can still spend oodles of time with my kids, but they also need a mother who has a fulfilling purpose in life. Again, not saying that that excludes SAHMs, but I want something different now.

So wish me luck, watch out for me in downtown Toronto, I'll be the one with fabulous hair, a Coach satchel, school books, a chai latte, and likely running late for class.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Picking up that Lightsaber.

It's been a long week. It started off with me feeling pretty darned invincible. I've had a tough adjustment over the summer, but now that that is done and I've survived not too worse for wear. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good.

I came to a realization on Sunday that I had no more reasons to be afraid and that is a really good feeling. It's removed all this clutter of emotions in my life and has allowed me to see a little more clearly. I'm not acting out of fear or anger anymore, but out of a place of advocacy and strength. It doesn't mean I cannot be angry, but I think more it addresses that I'm angry for the right reasons, and thus picking and choosing my battles more carefully and getting into them with a confidence I've long forgotten I had.

I realized that I need to heal. I can't change the past. People think that healing must equate with forgiveness, I thought that way too, but after reading a few interesting books on the topic, now I don't necessarily think so. Healing right now for me is finding things that work for the kids AND myself so that I can get to a good head space. I'm looking for reasonable solutions to a very large and complex wound for myself and really, after a lot of thinking up at the cottage, I just need time and space.

Kind of cliche isn't it? But when this whole thing hit the fan, all I wanted to do was to be on the other side of the planet. I've said it a million times. If I didn't have kids, I'd be somewhere pretty far away right now. So, not so much going to happen. I've decided to carve that time and space out for myself, and it's really quite simple, my home. It's my sanctuary, it's the place where I come to rest, eat, have gatherings, have babies (hey! I did have a baby in this house!), make decisions, make friends, cry, get frustrated, well you get the picture. Bottom line is, I deserve this space and its not an unreasonable thing to want. Fortunately, I have that 99% clinched.

The past is something tricky, it sneaks up on you, triggers you, makes an mountain out of a molehill sometimes. It shapes and develops you, makes you the person you are, but it also drags you down. I think the past should be used to empower you, every crappy situation, every hurt, every disappointment, if nothing more comes from those other than the fact you`ve survived, you`re still ahead of the game. If you`ve survived, made some new friends, rekindled with old friends and learned a thing or two about yourself, you`re aces, whether you`re the perceived winner or not. And I have all that. I hung out with a friend from the past this week and I sat there wondering what happened to me, I was a crazy powerful dynamo, but then it dawned on me, that dynamo is still there, in both of us really, it`s not like that spark was stolen or anything, I`ve got to direct those memories to remember how that firebrand operated, make a few tweeks and reignite. The past week my mantra has been ``I will not be broken!`` and it seems to be taking. 

Also not being afraid has taken away that ``thing` that has been tinging all my happy experiences. It`s something that just spoils my full enjoyment of life and happy events. For the first time since this all happened, I thought of a scenario that could happen in the future and thought, `yeah, I imagine that can happen`.

The downside to all this, is that now that my body has gotten rid of a bunch of emotional things bogging me down, it`s like it`s decided to implode. I once had a really old van, we were driving it to Ottawa and the radiator seemed to be going. So on our way blasting the heat, with the windows open, thank god it was winter or spring at least. It seemed fine once we got there, but just as we were starting back to Toronto, it acted up again. The minute we put it in park in the driveway, it just started spewing all this green liquid and made some godawful noise. The van had endured a long journey, but once crossing the finish line, it collapsed. That`s what my body is physically doing, the stress has taken its toll, so now its time to start treating the old girl right and minimizing the stress, again, another battle, but a good one.

I don`t know, fear just takes its toll, a very wise man...thing said `fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering`` and everyone in that story who was a hater ended up pretty much horrifically dead or maimed, so I`ve decided not to follow that path.I rather like living...intact, whether figuratively or literally, you choose.

May the force be with you.