It's been a long week. It started off with me feeling pretty darned invincible. I've had a tough adjustment over the summer, but now that that is done and I've survived not too worse for wear. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good.
I came to a realization on Sunday that I had no more reasons to be afraid and that is a really good feeling. It's removed all this clutter of emotions in my life and has allowed me to see a little more clearly. I'm not acting out of fear or anger anymore, but out of a place of advocacy and strength. It doesn't mean I cannot be angry, but I think more it addresses that I'm angry for the right reasons, and thus picking and choosing my battles more carefully and getting into them with a confidence I've long forgotten I had.
I realized that I need to heal. I can't change the past. People think that healing must equate with forgiveness, I thought that way too, but after reading a few interesting books on the topic, now I don't necessarily think so. Healing right now for me is finding things that work for the kids AND myself so that I can get to a good head space. I'm looking for reasonable solutions to a very large and complex wound for myself and really, after a lot of thinking up at the cottage, I just need time and space.
Kind of cliche isn't it? But when this whole thing hit the fan, all I wanted to do was to be on the other side of the planet. I've said it a million times. If I didn't have kids, I'd be somewhere pretty far away right now. So, not so much going to happen. I've decided to carve that time and space out for myself, and it's really quite simple, my home. It's my sanctuary, it's the place where I come to rest, eat, have gatherings, have babies (hey! I did have a baby in this house!), make decisions, make friends, cry, get frustrated, well you get the picture. Bottom line is, I deserve this space and its not an unreasonable thing to want. Fortunately, I have that 99% clinched.
The past is something tricky, it sneaks up on you, triggers you, makes an mountain out of a molehill sometimes. It shapes and develops you, makes you the person you are, but it also drags you down. I think the past should be used to empower you, every crappy situation, every hurt, every disappointment, if nothing more comes from those other than the fact you`ve survived, you`re still ahead of the game. If you`ve survived, made some new friends, rekindled with old friends and learned a thing or two about yourself, you`re aces, whether you`re the perceived winner or not. And I have all that. I hung out with a friend from the past this week and I sat there wondering what happened to me, I was a crazy powerful dynamo, but then it dawned on me, that dynamo is still there, in both of us really, it`s not like that spark was stolen or anything, I`ve got to direct those memories to remember how that firebrand operated, make a few tweeks and reignite. The past week my mantra has been ``I will not be broken!`` and it seems to be taking.
Also not being afraid has taken away that ``thing` that has been tinging all my happy experiences. It`s something that just spoils my full enjoyment of life and happy events. For the first time since this all happened, I thought of a scenario that could happen in the future and thought, `yeah, I imagine that can happen`.
The downside to all this, is that now that my body has gotten rid of a bunch of emotional things bogging me down, it`s like it`s decided to implode. I once had a really old van, we were driving it to Ottawa and the radiator seemed to be going. So on our way blasting the heat, with the windows open, thank god it was winter or spring at least. It seemed fine once we got there, but just as we were starting back to Toronto, it acted up again. The minute we put it in park in the driveway, it just started spewing all this green liquid and made some godawful noise. The van had endured a long journey, but once crossing the finish line, it collapsed. That`s what my body is physically doing, the stress has taken its toll, so now its time to start treating the old girl right and minimizing the stress, again, another battle, but a good one.
I don`t know, fear just takes its toll, a very wise man...thing said `fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering`` and everyone in that story who was a hater ended up pretty much horrifically dead or maimed, so I`ve decided not to follow that path.I rather like living...intact, whether figuratively or literally, you choose.
May the force be with you.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Bloody Brilliant!
So I got into a conversation with the oldest. He's been watching some sitcom for kids with a lot of British accents. I watched a couple of episodes to make sure it was age appropriate and it seemed to pass.
So we were in the car and I mentioned an idea I had and the oldest said,
"Mommy, that's bloody brilliant!"
"Ummmm, okay, thanks honey, but we need to talk about the word bloody, it's not really a polite word"
"But the kids on the show use it."
"I know, but sometimes things on TV aren't appropriate for real life."
"What does it mean anyhow?"
Cripes, I don't know how to explain that one.
""Um, I guess it means bloody, and it's not an uber bad word, but it's not one you should go repeating."
"But Mommy, they're speaking the same language as Mrs. A"
"Right, but you've never heard Mrs. A use that word right?"
"No, but I've heard YOU use that word when you're driving."
Well, wasn't that bloody brilliant of him. Game, set, match.
So we were in the car and I mentioned an idea I had and the oldest said,
"Mommy, that's bloody brilliant!"
"Ummmm, okay, thanks honey, but we need to talk about the word bloody, it's not really a polite word"
"But the kids on the show use it."
"I know, but sometimes things on TV aren't appropriate for real life."
"What does it mean anyhow?"
Cripes, I don't know how to explain that one.
""Um, I guess it means bloody, and it's not an uber bad word, but it's not one you should go repeating."
"But Mommy, they're speaking the same language as Mrs. A"
"Right, but you've never heard Mrs. A use that word right?"
"No, but I've heard YOU use that word when you're driving."
Well, wasn't that bloody brilliant of him. Game, set, match.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
So Yeah, Ding Dong
I've taken up selling Avon and some Pampered Chef. I put up a chirpy little blurb on it on my facebook, without much thought. I said that I was doing it for college. About an hour later, I thought "That was stupid, I have money." So I started thinking about why I wanted to do it, and why it means a bit to me.
One, I'm a Capricorn. Hear me out! I have a nice cushion, but for a Capricorn, that cushion is never cool unless we keep stuffing it with feathers. I mean if we had our way, the cushion would be the size of Taiwan, and likely then we wouldn't rest. I am always preparing for worst case scenario and quite honestly, live in fear of running out of coin, not to the point that I stop myself from buying something nice, but something I worry about often.
Two and probably more importantly is that I need a sense of independence and if bringing in a few extra dollars a month for the time being will do that, so be it. I'm going to give it a try. I've always had a job since I was 14, whether it was delivering flyers, working as a barista, a counselor, a mother, I've always had a purpose. Right now, not so much.
I have classes I take and God willing school next year. I've had a setback with the university I applied to. My application was cancelled back in January. The reason, I was told was because I was overqualified for the 4 year program and had to do the fast track program. I was two days out of surgery and didn't really have the strength, morale or energy to really fight it. But recently, I started doing some investigation and found out that I qualified for the 4 year program, that they require another diploma, not the one I already have. So I started rattling some cages and admittedly dropped a name, in passing, but it worked. So when I apply again in September, I am to call the coordinator. Who knows, fingers crossed. I also have another coordinator who called me personally from their program, I'm supposed to get in contact with her come September. So the horizon looks good, but as someone who needs a job to really feel a purpose in life, I've been feeling really crummy and unsuccessful lately.
So, I'm going to give this a go. I figure I'm pretty personable, and while I'm a little more apprehensive about selling Avon, I know I can sell Pampered Chef because...well because, if you've ever eaten at my place, you'd know. (Yes, I'm completely vain about my cooking and I used Pampered Chef products A LOT!)
So long rambling story short, I'm rebuilding my life, bit by bit. This is another stepping stone, it's to give me some purpose, some distraction, a little bit of coin, but hopefully and mostly, another boost of confidence.
One, I'm a Capricorn. Hear me out! I have a nice cushion, but for a Capricorn, that cushion is never cool unless we keep stuffing it with feathers. I mean if we had our way, the cushion would be the size of Taiwan, and likely then we wouldn't rest. I am always preparing for worst case scenario and quite honestly, live in fear of running out of coin, not to the point that I stop myself from buying something nice, but something I worry about often.
Two and probably more importantly is that I need a sense of independence and if bringing in a few extra dollars a month for the time being will do that, so be it. I'm going to give it a try. I've always had a job since I was 14, whether it was delivering flyers, working as a barista, a counselor, a mother, I've always had a purpose. Right now, not so much.
I have classes I take and God willing school next year. I've had a setback with the university I applied to. My application was cancelled back in January. The reason, I was told was because I was overqualified for the 4 year program and had to do the fast track program. I was two days out of surgery and didn't really have the strength, morale or energy to really fight it. But recently, I started doing some investigation and found out that I qualified for the 4 year program, that they require another diploma, not the one I already have. So I started rattling some cages and admittedly dropped a name, in passing, but it worked. So when I apply again in September, I am to call the coordinator. Who knows, fingers crossed. I also have another coordinator who called me personally from their program, I'm supposed to get in contact with her come September. So the horizon looks good, but as someone who needs a job to really feel a purpose in life, I've been feeling really crummy and unsuccessful lately.
So, I'm going to give this a go. I figure I'm pretty personable, and while I'm a little more apprehensive about selling Avon, I know I can sell Pampered Chef because...well because, if you've ever eaten at my place, you'd know. (Yes, I'm completely vain about my cooking and I used Pampered Chef products A LOT!)
So long rambling story short, I'm rebuilding my life, bit by bit. This is another stepping stone, it's to give me some purpose, some distraction, a little bit of coin, but hopefully and mostly, another boost of confidence.
Check out my new AVON e-Brochure!
Check out my new AVON e-Brochure!: Hi Everyone!
Yep, I'm selling Avon. I'm also going to be selling Pampered Chef. Why? Because while waiting for school to start, I'm driving the kids nuts and they want me out of the house. Muahahahaaaa. Also because I do actually use products from both companies a lot. I love Avon Mascara, lipsticks and Haiku perfume. They also have a great selection of costume jewelry, kids stuff, gadgets for the kitchen, skin and hair care items, along with quite a bit more. It's a lot different from the Avon when I was a kid.
Pampered Chef is another one. I love it. I joke between me and my friends, we probably have the entire collection. I cannot say enough about their stone wear, or their garlic presses. This one has lasted me roughly 3 years No garlic press has ever lasted that long in my hands. The best part about this is, if you host a party, I come and cook for you, you get to play with my kitchen toys and you get a discount based on how much your guests purchase. At my first party, I had maybe 10 gals over and I got over $300.00 in discounts.
I know it sounds like a bit of a spiel, but it's something I'm excited about and if you ever have a hankering for any of these products, I hope you local friends will keep me in mind.
Yep, I'm selling Avon. I'm also going to be selling Pampered Chef. Why? Because while waiting for school to start, I'm driving the kids nuts and they want me out of the house. Muahahahaaaa. Also because I do actually use products from both companies a lot. I love Avon Mascara, lipsticks and Haiku perfume. They also have a great selection of costume jewelry, kids stuff, gadgets for the kitchen, skin and hair care items, along with quite a bit more. It's a lot different from the Avon when I was a kid.
Pampered Chef is another one. I love it. I joke between me and my friends, we probably have the entire collection. I cannot say enough about their stone wear, or their garlic presses. This one has lasted me roughly 3 years No garlic press has ever lasted that long in my hands. The best part about this is, if you host a party, I come and cook for you, you get to play with my kitchen toys and you get a discount based on how much your guests purchase. At my first party, I had maybe 10 gals over and I got over $300.00 in discounts.
I know it sounds like a bit of a spiel, but it's something I'm excited about and if you ever have a hankering for any of these products, I hope you local friends will keep me in mind.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Because I can!
So there's a rumour at my kid's school...well not so much a rumour, but just how I'm regarded by some of the mothers. Like any sort of world, there is a clique and in many parts of society, those cliques are mean and way too nosy for their own good. One day a mother from this clique hoping to stir up some drama came to inform me that the other mothers thought my style of dress was inappropriate and that they've seen men over at my house during the evening. My first thought was the song "Harper Valley PTA". I didn't bite, I didn't struggle to justify all these men at my house (all of whom drive the same car with the same exact license plate and look very much alike) or my style of dress. But for those who don't know me, it's rare to see me in jeans, I only wear track/yoga pants if I'm going to work out and you bet your bippy that I'm not spending $90.00 on them! I almost always wear heels and I wear dresses and skirts, a lot. Most of them are knee length, I have a couple that skirt an inch or two above my knees. I'm not big on cleavage, and I love those stylist cardigans, so I almost always have one on. My hair is usually done and I normally have my makeup on, which consists of eyeliner, mascara and some tinted lip balm. Anyone else, might assume that I'm going to work at an office, but apparently, my style is inappropriate. Holy shit! I forgot my most important item of clothing...my purse, which is almost always Coach (I have a slight addiction).
So this clique has two moms who really don't like me. I had a run in with one years ago when my dog had the nerve to poop in front of her home, I scooped, but that set her off. I apologized and kept on my way despite her trying to bully me into God knows what. I guess she carries a grudge. Considering she nearly hit me and the dog to confront me with her van, I have a bit of one too. So she and her friend not too long ago came up to ask me why I dressed the way I did, because they wanted to "understand" my need to show off my body and wear heels as they were concerned feminists. Yup! Again, I didn't bite. I just said that I dressed this way because I liked it and kept on moving. Of course I have a mouthful to say, but instead of giving the satisfaction of the drama, I'll let you guys know what is on my mind.
"Dear other mothers. You asked me today why I dressed the way I did. Why I always wore heels that were meant to subjugate women. Why I felt the need to show off my body in form fitting clothes and skirts. One mom thought it was dishonourable to women's bodies to dress the way I do. Well let me tell you something about my body. This body has seen me through a tough life. With an abusive father and a mother who struggled just to make ends meet. I grew up downtown in a neighbourhood where you had to learn how to defend yourself quick, or run very fast. As I'm sure you've seen me walk with my two left feet, defense became my only option. I also had to do this on a pretty poor diet thank you very much. Poverty doesn't allow for a lot of organic, locally grown fruits and veggies, nor filtered water, a billion supplements and yoga times 900.
My body has seen me through 10 years on non stop infections from every sort of cold, flu and strep life could throw at me. I have asthma and allergies and on days like today it simply hurts to breathe. I have flat feet and I can't see five feet in front of me without corrective lenses of some sort.
Despite all of this, I managed to go to school, get an education working with others and requiring a great deal of empathy. I got married young, experienced love, put my life on hold to support my partner build his dreams. I scrimped and saved when we were in debt times a million, I would grocery shop with a stroller walking several kilometers to do so, I'd get up in the middle of the night to comfort, I'd iron, sweep, garden, repair you name it.
This body managed to deliver three beautiful children. To grow and nurture a life, I'm sure you know takes a toll, try it three times in 5 years. My weight fluctuated wildly and it has left me anemic, with constant low blood pressure and the urge to pee every five minutes. Nevermind what it's done to my figure! I've lost 70lbs, and I've also modified my body with surgery and ink to get it to where it is truly mine. This body used to struggle with body image problems and the owner has finally only just begun seeing that she is beautiful.
It has managed to get me through an awful period of my life where I suffered through terrible post partum depression. It was at this time that my husband and partner of 16 years had decided to leave me for someone much younger, thinner and with a lot less mileage. It took abuse as I refused to eat weeks at a time, went on total autopilot for two months. Felt numb for 2 more months. Went through godawful pain and anguish and fought tooth and nail not to sink into serious depths of depression. It's cried til my eyes are red and chest heaving, it's been angry beyond my own comprehension, but restrained enough to not go take out a small village. It has survived a car accident though when, very upset and driving my way down to mediation I managed to hit a bus...with in small part thanks to Honda's safety engineering. Thankfully this body has an awesome support staff in loving children, friends and family.
This body has learned to laugh again. This body has had to rebuild life as I know it. It's had to recreate home to three scared and confused little boys...well not so much the youngest, nothing scares him. It's had to work tirelessly for the past year and change now to fight, rebuild and thrive. It's learned that it can take blows and come back, ready for another day. It's learned to throw a few itself.
So why do I dress and get all dolled up every day? Because I fucking can! Because after all my body has gotten me through, it deserves to look good and feel good. I'd wear a sandwich board listing all that my body has gotten me through, but there isn't one big enough. I've only walked this Earth 33 1/2 years, but I've been through enough for a lifetime and my body still gets back and says "Is that all that you've got!?". I'm tired, so tired, my bones creak and I'd love nothing more than to spend a week in bed, yet every day I'm up at 6am til about 11pm and I am alert, supportive, loving and keeping up with 3 boys, 2 cats and a dog. I go to school, I do well in school, I have a social life, a great boyfriend and even manage to fit in some pretty regular exercise too!
So you think I dishonour my body? I disagree. I honour my body, I stand tall, walk proud and draw attention to myself because I'm am alive, I'm well, I'm happy despite all of the hell I've been through. If I manage to turn a few heads because of that knowledge and the confidence it brings, good for me! And if you and the rest of your yoga pants, mall walking, communal grocery shopping and petty gossiping tribe cannot deal, too freaking bad!
So this clique has two moms who really don't like me. I had a run in with one years ago when my dog had the nerve to poop in front of her home, I scooped, but that set her off. I apologized and kept on my way despite her trying to bully me into God knows what. I guess she carries a grudge. Considering she nearly hit me and the dog to confront me with her van, I have a bit of one too. So she and her friend not too long ago came up to ask me why I dressed the way I did, because they wanted to "understand" my need to show off my body and wear heels as they were concerned feminists. Yup! Again, I didn't bite. I just said that I dressed this way because I liked it and kept on moving. Of course I have a mouthful to say, but instead of giving the satisfaction of the drama, I'll let you guys know what is on my mind.
"Dear other mothers. You asked me today why I dressed the way I did. Why I always wore heels that were meant to subjugate women. Why I felt the need to show off my body in form fitting clothes and skirts. One mom thought it was dishonourable to women's bodies to dress the way I do. Well let me tell you something about my body. This body has seen me through a tough life. With an abusive father and a mother who struggled just to make ends meet. I grew up downtown in a neighbourhood where you had to learn how to defend yourself quick, or run very fast. As I'm sure you've seen me walk with my two left feet, defense became my only option. I also had to do this on a pretty poor diet thank you very much. Poverty doesn't allow for a lot of organic, locally grown fruits and veggies, nor filtered water, a billion supplements and yoga times 900.
My body has seen me through 10 years on non stop infections from every sort of cold, flu and strep life could throw at me. I have asthma and allergies and on days like today it simply hurts to breathe. I have flat feet and I can't see five feet in front of me without corrective lenses of some sort.
Despite all of this, I managed to go to school, get an education working with others and requiring a great deal of empathy. I got married young, experienced love, put my life on hold to support my partner build his dreams. I scrimped and saved when we were in debt times a million, I would grocery shop with a stroller walking several kilometers to do so, I'd get up in the middle of the night to comfort, I'd iron, sweep, garden, repair you name it.
This body managed to deliver three beautiful children. To grow and nurture a life, I'm sure you know takes a toll, try it three times in 5 years. My weight fluctuated wildly and it has left me anemic, with constant low blood pressure and the urge to pee every five minutes. Nevermind what it's done to my figure! I've lost 70lbs, and I've also modified my body with surgery and ink to get it to where it is truly mine. This body used to struggle with body image problems and the owner has finally only just begun seeing that she is beautiful.
It has managed to get me through an awful period of my life where I suffered through terrible post partum depression. It was at this time that my husband and partner of 16 years had decided to leave me for someone much younger, thinner and with a lot less mileage. It took abuse as I refused to eat weeks at a time, went on total autopilot for two months. Felt numb for 2 more months. Went through godawful pain and anguish and fought tooth and nail not to sink into serious depths of depression. It's cried til my eyes are red and chest heaving, it's been angry beyond my own comprehension, but restrained enough to not go take out a small village. It has survived a car accident though when, very upset and driving my way down to mediation I managed to hit a bus...with in small part thanks to Honda's safety engineering. Thankfully this body has an awesome support staff in loving children, friends and family.
This body has learned to laugh again. This body has had to rebuild life as I know it. It's had to recreate home to three scared and confused little boys...well not so much the youngest, nothing scares him. It's had to work tirelessly for the past year and change now to fight, rebuild and thrive. It's learned that it can take blows and come back, ready for another day. It's learned to throw a few itself.
So why do I dress and get all dolled up every day? Because I fucking can! Because after all my body has gotten me through, it deserves to look good and feel good. I'd wear a sandwich board listing all that my body has gotten me through, but there isn't one big enough. I've only walked this Earth 33 1/2 years, but I've been through enough for a lifetime and my body still gets back and says "Is that all that you've got!?". I'm tired, so tired, my bones creak and I'd love nothing more than to spend a week in bed, yet every day I'm up at 6am til about 11pm and I am alert, supportive, loving and keeping up with 3 boys, 2 cats and a dog. I go to school, I do well in school, I have a social life, a great boyfriend and even manage to fit in some pretty regular exercise too!
So you think I dishonour my body? I disagree. I honour my body, I stand tall, walk proud and draw attention to myself because I'm am alive, I'm well, I'm happy despite all of the hell I've been through. If I manage to turn a few heads because of that knowledge and the confidence it brings, good for me! And if you and the rest of your yoga pants, mall walking, communal grocery shopping and petty gossiping tribe cannot deal, too freaking bad!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Disillusioned
I generally try to see the best in people, I feel that having faith in others is a symbol of my spiritual faith. It's been a long slog, but I've generally prevailed without coming out too wounded or bitter. I feel like I've picked myself off the mat after every good left hook, wiped the sweat away, spit the blood out and beckoned life to come on, try again. Why? Because that faith sustained me.
Tonight, I'm not having such an easy time getting up.
I'm left wondering why people do things to hurt others. Never mind your friends, family, children, but complete strangers. I try to go through life, thinking about my footprint about how what I do might affect someone directly and indirectly. And if I hurt someone, I try to make amends, apologize, or if I cannot, at least have some humility in how I behave further so that I don't negatively affect them anymore than I have to. I try to have faith that others do the same, at least most of the time.
I'm struggling with that.
I just don't understand why the hits keep coming. I try to make sense of it, but no matter how much I play by the rules, no matter how much I try to take the higher road, it's not having the desired effect of being treated with some compassion or honour. I was sitting on my couch tonight trying to blank out with a video game, but slowly and tearfully I might add, coming to the conclusion that so many people only live this life with themselves as the giant main focus and its very depressing.
I think I've lived a very charmed life, yes it's been hard, but I've always been very fortunate in my family and friends that I haven't had many opportunities to become too jaded when it comes to dealings with other people in the microlevel. But I dunno, tonight just took a strip out of me and try as I might, I lose a little more faith in the world that people generally stop and think about what sort of impact they may have, before wantonly stepping in and hurting others.
I'm trying to regroup and focus on all the awesome people in my life and hopefully how I try to treat them and plod forward might somehow be repaid at least a little. It does in spades when it comes to friends and family, but I'd really like to see some results in other areas too. In the meantime, I'm going to surround myself with people I love and who love me and try to remind myself of people who go forward carefully, considering their moves in life and how they may effect others, and maybe indirectly themselves when they look back on their actions.
One of my favourite things to think of when I'm feeling low is a few lines from the movie "The Two Towers" part of the Lord of the Rings epic.
When an exhausted Frodo says to Sam, his companion "I can't do this" Sam replies
But
in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must
pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the
clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant
something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think,
Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots
of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going because
they were holding on to something.Frodo replies "What are we holding onto Sam?"And Sam says
"There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for."
Tonight, I'm not having such an easy time getting up.
I'm left wondering why people do things to hurt others. Never mind your friends, family, children, but complete strangers. I try to go through life, thinking about my footprint about how what I do might affect someone directly and indirectly. And if I hurt someone, I try to make amends, apologize, or if I cannot, at least have some humility in how I behave further so that I don't negatively affect them anymore than I have to. I try to have faith that others do the same, at least most of the time.
I'm struggling with that.
I just don't understand why the hits keep coming. I try to make sense of it, but no matter how much I play by the rules, no matter how much I try to take the higher road, it's not having the desired effect of being treated with some compassion or honour. I was sitting on my couch tonight trying to blank out with a video game, but slowly and tearfully I might add, coming to the conclusion that so many people only live this life with themselves as the giant main focus and its very depressing.
I think I've lived a very charmed life, yes it's been hard, but I've always been very fortunate in my family and friends that I haven't had many opportunities to become too jaded when it comes to dealings with other people in the microlevel. But I dunno, tonight just took a strip out of me and try as I might, I lose a little more faith in the world that people generally stop and think about what sort of impact they may have, before wantonly stepping in and hurting others.
I'm trying to regroup and focus on all the awesome people in my life and hopefully how I try to treat them and plod forward might somehow be repaid at least a little. It does in spades when it comes to friends and family, but I'd really like to see some results in other areas too. In the meantime, I'm going to surround myself with people I love and who love me and try to remind myself of people who go forward carefully, considering their moves in life and how they may effect others, and maybe indirectly themselves when they look back on their actions.
One of my favourite things to think of when I'm feeling low is a few lines from the movie "The Two Towers" part of the Lord of the Rings epic.
When an exhausted Frodo says to Sam, his companion "I can't do this" Sam replies
I
know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are.
It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really
mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you
didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How
could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
"There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for."
Friday, May 18, 2012
Mommy Tips
I meant to write this for Mother's Day, trying to keep with a theme and all, but three kids, pancakes microwaved for 12 minutes for Mothers Day breakfast and a busy day, well you can imagine how much time these days I get to sit down and write. I actually took some time in class to journal...yeah, I'm a great student like that.
Anyhow, my post is mommy tips, it was inspired by an experience I had last summer. I was sitting on a bench in a fairly affluent area in my city. We're having a nice conversation and I see them, 4 mothers with $1500.00 strollers a piece, and babies 6 months and under. Either I'm getting crusty with age or with motherhood, but I don't have a tolerance for a lot of new moms. I tensed up immediately, because they stopped on the boardwalk in front of us (ooops, did I just give the area away? Well anyone living in Toronto, is now rolling their eyes and nodding "Of course you had this ridiculous experience there!!!") and they milled about for a few minutes trying to decide where to go. They proceeded to sit on the benches right next to us, I should add there are a million benches in the area, but it's a free world, sit next to the two people enjoying a quiet conversation and drown that out with your mommy wars.
So I got a good earful of their conversation, it covered everything from trying to one up each other's birth and how natural it was, to how early their baby was smiling and hitting those milestones outlined in every new pop culture parenting book. Now I have to say I'm no innocent, I had those conversations too, but I'd like to think I wasn't nearly so mental. I was lucky to fall into a group of friends who were all new moms, but not really up on the one upmanship, unless you counted who got the best bargain on diapers. My kind of crowd. But I'm sure I had my moments, which I'm sure those friends will remind me of tonight over a glass of wine. Anyhow, as they're going on, I'm getting more and more annoyed and I had to do everything in my power to not yell "Who cares??? This shit isn't going to matter when your kid is three, licking yogurt off your floor, poking blueberries up their nose and climbing up the walls!!! It's going to matter less, when your kid is in grade one, arguing with you that the sky is not blue and trying to master the art of farting with his armpits!!!"
So new mommies, let me give you some tips, I admit I am far from an expert, at least everywhere but my own personal universe, so take them with a grain of salt if you will, but they have certainly helped my sanity.
1. Tell any Monday morning quarterback who has the audacity to analyze how you've given birth to put their head where the sun doesn't shine. Seriously! If you had the birth you wanted, and you and baby are safe and healthy and happy, that is ALL that matters. Even if you didn't have the birth you wanted, but are able to make peace with that, that is ALL that matters. I HATE Monday morning quarterbacks who pass judgment on moms who have had epidurals or c-sections. I hate it when they tell a mom outright, I hate it when they sugar coat it. Whether they are a stay at home mom, or the guru of all things birthing, it's none of their fucking business! They have no right to judge you. And when you tell them that and they look confused, you can tell them that Mamajoy and her 2 out of 3 births sans epidural and one at home told you to say that! Believe me, 6 years later, and all my friends kids who were birthed in many different ways, believe me, the c section kids aren't sitting in corners rocking themselves because they haven't had the glory of a water birth in the ocean with dolphins coming in to greet them.
2. Same goes for feeding. I know, there are a gabillion studies that point out that breastfed kids have a few more IQ points than non breastfed kids, but if you can't breastfeed, think about it, worst case scenario, have you ever known a person who has been too stupid to live a happy life because they were bottle fed? One of my friends didn't even get the luxury of formula, but evaporated milk or some other shit like that, and they're not doing too poorly for themselves. But ultimately, what is the ultimate wish that every parent has for their child? That they are happy? There hasn't been any studies that says formula prevents this. I was fed formula, I grew up in poverty, I'm going through a divorce for some pretty shitty reasons, but guess what? I'm still happy! I have awesome friends, great kids, food in my belly, the best family, an amazing boyfriend and a lot of cool things on the go. What will keep your kids happy is the ability to instill grace in them to recognize all that they have going for them. If your kids need to be a rocket scientist or be pulling down 7 figures as a result of those few extra IQ points in order to make them happy, then you're buying into a brand of parenting, of life! that is way different than mine
3. My oldest was singing songs, accurately identifying body parts and barnyard noises by the time he was 1, he was also potty trained in 2 weeks. He was sleeping through the night at 4 months AND taking naps 2x a day. By all accounts he was brilliant and the most awesome superbaby EVAH! Guess what? He's in grade 1, doing perfectly well, but not quite on the road to building a time space machine. He does have the ability to think up an excellent counterargument at the speed of light, but that also works against me A LOT! He hit a lot of milestones early, and some of his friends much later, but it all comes out in the wash, trust me.
4. Baby gear. I have a stroller library. No joke, my friends made fun of me, they still do. I've now traded in strollers for something far more awesome, which is purses and shoes (my friends all now want me to will those purses to them should I meet my untimely demise). Really, my kids are not better off, or more ergonomically designed because of the millions of strollers. Kids who've had nothing but organic fibre clothes made by silkworms from Awesomeville aren't in any better position than kids in regular old cotton. Trust me, they will outgrow, out last, out live and break everything else, do not spend a mint and do not feel inferior because someone has the baby high chair supreme deluxe 5000. Their money, they can spend it how they want, but in the end, their kid is still going to toss that oatmeal across the room just the same. Now if there truly was a device that washed, dried, folded, hung up and put away all the laundry....THEN be jealous.
5. Parenting philosophies. Geeze louise the things women put themselves through, comparing parenting styles is just crazy. You know what is the best parenting philosophy? The one that works best for your family, just like the one that works best for the Joneses family is the best philosophy for them. Believe me, the kids who are getting McDonalds once a week are not suffering horribly compared to the kids who are getting homegrown home made lentil cakes. I was once talking to a father of two grown women, both of the sisters had children about the same time. One was a serious attachment parent, and the other was more mainstream. The grandfather remarked that the kids were pretty much the same kids, neither more brighter, well adjusted or happier. It was a lightbulb for me, both of these kids were loved, but raised fairly differently, however other than superficial things, they both had similar values, attachments and ways of going about being kids. Seriously, if you put a bunch of kids in a room with different loving parenting philosophies, you're not going to have an easy time telling which kid was raised this way or that.
6. SAHM vs WOHMs. Do not torture yourself. Do what you need to do. There's been enough kids who have had to go to daycare who are just as socially well adjusted and bonded to their parents as those who have been raised at home. I speak as a former stay at home parent. My kids friends...still enjoy the same bum and fart and poop jokes, still bring their moms flowers, they're not burning down houses or torturing animals because they were in daycare from an early age.
Bottom line is don't get sucked into the competition game. Mommy groups can be wonderful things, if you find the right ones. I was lucky in that I had the right one which had given me my core group of amazing friends whom I can go to with any problem without being judged. Other ones, notsomuch. If you're stuck in the latter, run! Run away! There are cool ones out there. And in the meantime, remember that in 6 years from now when your little ones are on the playground, learning how to read, learning how much fun it is to gross you out with their wiggling tooth, what you put on their arse to catch their poop, what you fed them, whether you used an exersaucer for 20 minutes of respite is going to have little bearing on the human beings they grow into. Its the love you give them, the examples you provide and the values you instill that will determine what kind of person they grow into. Believe me, 10 years from now as I'm dealing with all the trials and tribulations of THREE teenagers, I'll be lucky enough to remember what I did in these early days, I'll just be trying to survive and enjoy the wild ride they're sure to provide. So plllllleeeeeease try not to torture yourself too much and keep in mind that parenthood is a lifetime gig and if you're getting stressed about these microissues now, you're in for a very bumpy ride later. Keep the big picture in mind and believe me, whether your kid wears Gymboree or George brand clothing, will be a very small pixel in that frame.
Anyhow, my post is mommy tips, it was inspired by an experience I had last summer. I was sitting on a bench in a fairly affluent area in my city. We're having a nice conversation and I see them, 4 mothers with $1500.00 strollers a piece, and babies 6 months and under. Either I'm getting crusty with age or with motherhood, but I don't have a tolerance for a lot of new moms. I tensed up immediately, because they stopped on the boardwalk in front of us (ooops, did I just give the area away? Well anyone living in Toronto, is now rolling their eyes and nodding "Of course you had this ridiculous experience there!!!") and they milled about for a few minutes trying to decide where to go. They proceeded to sit on the benches right next to us, I should add there are a million benches in the area, but it's a free world, sit next to the two people enjoying a quiet conversation and drown that out with your mommy wars.
So I got a good earful of their conversation, it covered everything from trying to one up each other's birth and how natural it was, to how early their baby was smiling and hitting those milestones outlined in every new pop culture parenting book. Now I have to say I'm no innocent, I had those conversations too, but I'd like to think I wasn't nearly so mental. I was lucky to fall into a group of friends who were all new moms, but not really up on the one upmanship, unless you counted who got the best bargain on diapers. My kind of crowd. But I'm sure I had my moments, which I'm sure those friends will remind me of tonight over a glass of wine. Anyhow, as they're going on, I'm getting more and more annoyed and I had to do everything in my power to not yell "Who cares??? This shit isn't going to matter when your kid is three, licking yogurt off your floor, poking blueberries up their nose and climbing up the walls!!! It's going to matter less, when your kid is in grade one, arguing with you that the sky is not blue and trying to master the art of farting with his armpits!!!"
So new mommies, let me give you some tips, I admit I am far from an expert, at least everywhere but my own personal universe, so take them with a grain of salt if you will, but they have certainly helped my sanity.
1. Tell any Monday morning quarterback who has the audacity to analyze how you've given birth to put their head where the sun doesn't shine. Seriously! If you had the birth you wanted, and you and baby are safe and healthy and happy, that is ALL that matters. Even if you didn't have the birth you wanted, but are able to make peace with that, that is ALL that matters. I HATE Monday morning quarterbacks who pass judgment on moms who have had epidurals or c-sections. I hate it when they tell a mom outright, I hate it when they sugar coat it. Whether they are a stay at home mom, or the guru of all things birthing, it's none of their fucking business! They have no right to judge you. And when you tell them that and they look confused, you can tell them that Mamajoy and her 2 out of 3 births sans epidural and one at home told you to say that! Believe me, 6 years later, and all my friends kids who were birthed in many different ways, believe me, the c section kids aren't sitting in corners rocking themselves because they haven't had the glory of a water birth in the ocean with dolphins coming in to greet them.
2. Same goes for feeding. I know, there are a gabillion studies that point out that breastfed kids have a few more IQ points than non breastfed kids, but if you can't breastfeed, think about it, worst case scenario, have you ever known a person who has been too stupid to live a happy life because they were bottle fed? One of my friends didn't even get the luxury of formula, but evaporated milk or some other shit like that, and they're not doing too poorly for themselves. But ultimately, what is the ultimate wish that every parent has for their child? That they are happy? There hasn't been any studies that says formula prevents this. I was fed formula, I grew up in poverty, I'm going through a divorce for some pretty shitty reasons, but guess what? I'm still happy! I have awesome friends, great kids, food in my belly, the best family, an amazing boyfriend and a lot of cool things on the go. What will keep your kids happy is the ability to instill grace in them to recognize all that they have going for them. If your kids need to be a rocket scientist or be pulling down 7 figures as a result of those few extra IQ points in order to make them happy, then you're buying into a brand of parenting, of life! that is way different than mine
3. My oldest was singing songs, accurately identifying body parts and barnyard noises by the time he was 1, he was also potty trained in 2 weeks. He was sleeping through the night at 4 months AND taking naps 2x a day. By all accounts he was brilliant and the most awesome superbaby EVAH! Guess what? He's in grade 1, doing perfectly well, but not quite on the road to building a time space machine. He does have the ability to think up an excellent counterargument at the speed of light, but that also works against me A LOT! He hit a lot of milestones early, and some of his friends much later, but it all comes out in the wash, trust me.
4. Baby gear. I have a stroller library. No joke, my friends made fun of me, they still do. I've now traded in strollers for something far more awesome, which is purses and shoes (my friends all now want me to will those purses to them should I meet my untimely demise). Really, my kids are not better off, or more ergonomically designed because of the millions of strollers. Kids who've had nothing but organic fibre clothes made by silkworms from Awesomeville aren't in any better position than kids in regular old cotton. Trust me, they will outgrow, out last, out live and break everything else, do not spend a mint and do not feel inferior because someone has the baby high chair supreme deluxe 5000. Their money, they can spend it how they want, but in the end, their kid is still going to toss that oatmeal across the room just the same. Now if there truly was a device that washed, dried, folded, hung up and put away all the laundry....THEN be jealous.
5. Parenting philosophies. Geeze louise the things women put themselves through, comparing parenting styles is just crazy. You know what is the best parenting philosophy? The one that works best for your family, just like the one that works best for the Joneses family is the best philosophy for them. Believe me, the kids who are getting McDonalds once a week are not suffering horribly compared to the kids who are getting homegrown home made lentil cakes. I was once talking to a father of two grown women, both of the sisters had children about the same time. One was a serious attachment parent, and the other was more mainstream. The grandfather remarked that the kids were pretty much the same kids, neither more brighter, well adjusted or happier. It was a lightbulb for me, both of these kids were loved, but raised fairly differently, however other than superficial things, they both had similar values, attachments and ways of going about being kids. Seriously, if you put a bunch of kids in a room with different loving parenting philosophies, you're not going to have an easy time telling which kid was raised this way or that.
6. SAHM vs WOHMs. Do not torture yourself. Do what you need to do. There's been enough kids who have had to go to daycare who are just as socially well adjusted and bonded to their parents as those who have been raised at home. I speak as a former stay at home parent. My kids friends...still enjoy the same bum and fart and poop jokes, still bring their moms flowers, they're not burning down houses or torturing animals because they were in daycare from an early age.
Bottom line is don't get sucked into the competition game. Mommy groups can be wonderful things, if you find the right ones. I was lucky in that I had the right one which had given me my core group of amazing friends whom I can go to with any problem without being judged. Other ones, notsomuch. If you're stuck in the latter, run! Run away! There are cool ones out there. And in the meantime, remember that in 6 years from now when your little ones are on the playground, learning how to read, learning how much fun it is to gross you out with their wiggling tooth, what you put on their arse to catch their poop, what you fed them, whether you used an exersaucer for 20 minutes of respite is going to have little bearing on the human beings they grow into. Its the love you give them, the examples you provide and the values you instill that will determine what kind of person they grow into. Believe me, 10 years from now as I'm dealing with all the trials and tribulations of THREE teenagers, I'll be lucky enough to remember what I did in these early days, I'll just be trying to survive and enjoy the wild ride they're sure to provide. So plllllleeeeeease try not to torture yourself too much and keep in mind that parenthood is a lifetime gig and if you're getting stressed about these microissues now, you're in for a very bumpy ride later. Keep the big picture in mind and believe me, whether your kid wears Gymboree or George brand clothing, will be a very small pixel in that frame.
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