Friday, August 17, 2012

Picking up that Lightsaber.

It's been a long week. It started off with me feeling pretty darned invincible. I've had a tough adjustment over the summer, but now that that is done and I've survived not too worse for wear. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good.

I came to a realization on Sunday that I had no more reasons to be afraid and that is a really good feeling. It's removed all this clutter of emotions in my life and has allowed me to see a little more clearly. I'm not acting out of fear or anger anymore, but out of a place of advocacy and strength. It doesn't mean I cannot be angry, but I think more it addresses that I'm angry for the right reasons, and thus picking and choosing my battles more carefully and getting into them with a confidence I've long forgotten I had.

I realized that I need to heal. I can't change the past. People think that healing must equate with forgiveness, I thought that way too, but after reading a few interesting books on the topic, now I don't necessarily think so. Healing right now for me is finding things that work for the kids AND myself so that I can get to a good head space. I'm looking for reasonable solutions to a very large and complex wound for myself and really, after a lot of thinking up at the cottage, I just need time and space.

Kind of cliche isn't it? But when this whole thing hit the fan, all I wanted to do was to be on the other side of the planet. I've said it a million times. If I didn't have kids, I'd be somewhere pretty far away right now. So, not so much going to happen. I've decided to carve that time and space out for myself, and it's really quite simple, my home. It's my sanctuary, it's the place where I come to rest, eat, have gatherings, have babies (hey! I did have a baby in this house!), make decisions, make friends, cry, get frustrated, well you get the picture. Bottom line is, I deserve this space and its not an unreasonable thing to want. Fortunately, I have that 99% clinched.

The past is something tricky, it sneaks up on you, triggers you, makes an mountain out of a molehill sometimes. It shapes and develops you, makes you the person you are, but it also drags you down. I think the past should be used to empower you, every crappy situation, every hurt, every disappointment, if nothing more comes from those other than the fact you`ve survived, you`re still ahead of the game. If you`ve survived, made some new friends, rekindled with old friends and learned a thing or two about yourself, you`re aces, whether you`re the perceived winner or not. And I have all that. I hung out with a friend from the past this week and I sat there wondering what happened to me, I was a crazy powerful dynamo, but then it dawned on me, that dynamo is still there, in both of us really, it`s not like that spark was stolen or anything, I`ve got to direct those memories to remember how that firebrand operated, make a few tweeks and reignite. The past week my mantra has been ``I will not be broken!`` and it seems to be taking. 

Also not being afraid has taken away that ``thing` that has been tinging all my happy experiences. It`s something that just spoils my full enjoyment of life and happy events. For the first time since this all happened, I thought of a scenario that could happen in the future and thought, `yeah, I imagine that can happen`.

The downside to all this, is that now that my body has gotten rid of a bunch of emotional things bogging me down, it`s like it`s decided to implode. I once had a really old van, we were driving it to Ottawa and the radiator seemed to be going. So on our way blasting the heat, with the windows open, thank god it was winter or spring at least. It seemed fine once we got there, but just as we were starting back to Toronto, it acted up again. The minute we put it in park in the driveway, it just started spewing all this green liquid and made some godawful noise. The van had endured a long journey, but once crossing the finish line, it collapsed. That`s what my body is physically doing, the stress has taken its toll, so now its time to start treating the old girl right and minimizing the stress, again, another battle, but a good one.

I don`t know, fear just takes its toll, a very wise man...thing said `fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering`` and everyone in that story who was a hater ended up pretty much horrifically dead or maimed, so I`ve decided not to follow that path.I rather like living...intact, whether figuratively or literally, you choose.

May the force be with you.


Bluefunk said...

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past can be changed. Cliche that I had an "AH HA!" moment while watching Oprah, but it really is true giving up that hope. I'm so proud of you. :)

Jenn Gruden said...

Oh THIS lightsaber! You go. :)