Well the good news is, I'll be starting school fulltime in September. The bad news is...well I don't think there is bad news, maybe packed lunches, but I'll be on a path towards a new life, new career. I'm supported by wonderful people, looking forward to learning and applying myself and lunches with the gals now that I'm downtown.
It does require a change though. September is full of them and though I've been baptized by fire in learning how to navigate change, it still makes me anxious. The biggest change would be having my kids spend an extra night at their fathers and not being a stay at home mother anymore. I don't like being away from my kids. Well, I like the break, the sleeping in, the freedom to make something filled with mushrooms for dinner and not hearing complaints, but I think like most mothers, they want their chicks close by. It hurts looking into their rooms and seeing empty beds at times, sending them off, kissing their cheeks and knowing I'm not going to hear about their days or see their silly antics. I don't like missing out on parts of their lives, and filling in the rest, well there never really seems to be enough time.
I'm hoping school will keep me busy enough to distract me from their absence. It's also a significant change in my identity. Being a mother will no longer be my only responsibility. It will be my main responsibility, but I'll have papers, placements and jobs to tend to. I'm pretty excited looking forward to it as I've always been a hard worker and good student, but scared would also be a good word to use too.
I have had to change a lot over these past 18+ months. I recently made an impression on someone who got to meet me at the start of my separation. Everyone tells me I have changed, but I remember my interactions with that person very vividly and so did she. After hearing me express myself in a very passionate, but controlled and assertive way, she congratulated me on coming so far. I was so passive once upon a time, a person lost in their marriage and kids. It was safe there, no risks really...well, none that I knew of. LOL To see me then and now, there are two different people and that interaction really drove it home for me.
I look different, carry myself differently, assert myself, pursue, challenge and persevere now. While I still feel that person tug back at me frightened every time I have to go and knock some heads, I still have to go and knock some heads and am starting to get pretty good at it. Had I not done that last week, I wouldn't be preparing for school this week.
So hopefully, the transition from strictly mother to Supermother will go a little more easily than I anticipate. It's another step forward, a positive one for sure, a big one. The same person who had congratulated me, told me a while back that this is a good thing, that I was giving my kids a mother who had a little something going for her, who had more depth and a life of her own. I took that to heart. I'm not saying being a stay at home mom doesn't give other people that, but its not enough for me anymore. It was a wonderful time and I do hope in the future to have a job where I can still spend oodles of time with my kids, but they also need a mother who has a fulfilling purpose in life. Again, not saying that that excludes SAHMs, but I want something different now.
So wish me luck, watch out for me in downtown Toronto, I'll be the one with fabulous hair, a Coach satchel, school books, a chai latte, and likely running late for class.