I had an opportunity yesterday where I felt a feeling that I hadn't felt in a long time. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt it. It took me by surprise.
I'm thinking "Oh...what the hell is that? hmmmmm, kinda feels good, really good. Okay, but its too good, something is going to happen and it's going to fall apart. Oh for God's sake Joy, just shut up and enjoy it, pretend its food or shopping or something, how come you can let go for THAT and not this? Good question! Well, I'll show you, letting go in 3...2...1! HA!" and then it just kind of overtook me.
I felt contentment.
If you haven't gathered from the insane conversation I have with myself...and they're all like that, I was actually quite alarmed because it was so foreign. But I decided to let go and ride it out. I was warm (I'm like a cat, I relish being toasty), I was sitting still, I was happy, it was peaceful, it was QUIET and I was in good company. I relaxed and just drank it in.
Now to understand the significance for me, you have to understand that I am constantly on the go. It takes me a good 30-40 minutes to fully fall asleep, I fidget...a lot, I am always thinking of things I should be doing, making mental lists and analyzing every last detail to death. It's just what I do. I've been trying to let go of some of it, but I also accept that a lot of it is just insane personality quirks and try to find ways to make it manageable. That said, this year its been at an all time high because I've had major anxiety and stress, so there have been points that I just sat shaking like an Italian Greyhound or a neurotic Chihuahua. I pace, I chew on hangnails, I twirl my hair, you name it. Somehow I don't manage to chase people away...kinda scratching my head on that one.
Back to the contentment, it's actually a been on my mind all day. It's a place I've revisited a lot, it's a place I will revisit a lot. Almost like my insatiable need for chocolate, shoes and purses, I want more. I realize on my part, I have to work on shutting that inner paranoid dialogue down with serious draconian brutality and since I've had a taste, I can feel the draconian forces, gearing up to beat the paranoid into submission.
It's a place I'd like to get to again, because it has all those nice cozy feelings everyone loves and wants, who wouldn't want to be there. I of course want to be there again because it's been so long since I've felt that way. It's strange because I feel like it was an accomplishment. After being so guarded and so alert and hyper-vigilant, I let my guard down and I felt secure and at peace. I surprised myself. It's a feeling I've sorely missed and I feel so relieved that I can still feel that way, and lucky that I've had the opportunity and hopefully many more.