Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Keeping the faith...or fighting like hell for it

This is a rambly and wandering post, you've been warned.

Lets face it, it's been a hell of a year for me, and I think I'd be seriously justified if I flushed my faith down the toilet. I know at the start of the year, I was just reeling, I couldn't even think about faith, but when the reeling stopped, I started to get angry. I did the questioning of why me, and then I just closed the door. I couldn't even bear the thought of a higher power, even though I generally believe that they are pretty hands off on how we deal with each other.

Slowly though, it started seeping back. Not because of any large aha moment or anything, but I started reflecting on people who have been entering my life and rallying around me. It's been a really tough lesson to learn, but a door was closed and it was like opening a window the first day of spring when you can smell the plants growing and the warmth returning. And so many of these people have brought to me lessons and examples from their own lives that I really need to apply to my own. I think the way the higher power does interact with us is sending us messages, usually through people, and I started receiving the message loud and clear. I'm still in his/her sights and this is what I need to focus on.

Where my faith is lacking is in people and myself. I keep thinking that with all these wonderful people in my life, the floor is suddenly going to drop from under me. It's a very big fear of mine, even though logically I know that my friends and family would never hurt me so badly just out of their own principles, and I do believe that with all my heart, but it's like I have trouble keeping the faith. Which reflects on the faith in myself, because I'm not at the point where I feel like I am worthy to be treated well. I'm hoping at some point that changes and I'll be the force to be reckoned with Queen of the World that resides inside me.

I have to wonder if this is one big cosmic test to see how strong my faith is in people, to have it destroyed so badly, but to rebuild it. I'd like to think it can be rebuilt, because as much as it is shaky, I have this fierce desire to get it back. I feel like it was stolen from me and if I don't keep that in check it makes me very angry because it meant so much to me, it still does.

I think it ties back into my spirituality because having faith in people is probably something the higher power would like me to have. It's Lent, so in addition to giving up my Starcrack, I think it would be a good idea for me to reflect on the importance to have faith in people in my life, since they are truly blessings and should be regarded as such.

I don't know how to get it back. My mom (yes, I talk to my mommy, she even called the minute I typed my mom *queue creepy music*) assures me that it will come back with time. Being the *cough im *cough* patient, that is a really hard answer to accept, but maybe that is part of faith too, since I figure that something as valuable as that has to be fought for, guarded, tested and grown. As I was typing this post, a meme came to me on facebook, its a bit saccharine, but it does get to the point.

I was the type of person who'd watch a movie about war crimes, and while be horrified by the brutality of the criminals, I'd be more moved by the kindness of the few brave people who stood up and did their best to retain that kindness and help others. I had hope and was able to see that potential everywhere and in everyone. I truly hope I can get to that place again. One thing I know, you, me and everyone can bank on the fact that I will fight like hell to get there.


Deborah Coombs said...

You'll get there. You are surrounded by amazing people now. And we are growing stronger together.

Jenn Gruden said...

I've been thinking about this one and you (and Deb...different story:)) and first, aside of how you feel inside, on the outside you are just doing fabulously; hanging in there, being there for the boys, keeping a home going and continuing to grow and learn and everything.

But also, from some of the experiences in my life, I think...when the really big failures come along, like this betrayal or the nurse who let Emily die, it is totally possible to bounce 98% back, and I have every faith that you will.

My own experience, but I'm not super great at letting things go, is that the 2% stays in the background. You're *mostly* the same and *mostly* okay but there is a change, and it is okay for there to be and you can honour that this experience is one that does alter you, and deepen you a bit.

One of the quotes I keep in mind, although it is a big new agey, is Kalil Gibran's idea that one's capacity for joy is the amount that sorrow has carved into one's soul.

Hang in there! Says she of the overly deep blog comments when she is on deadline. :)

Joy said...

Jen, when I think of you and what you've gone through, it's given me such hope for myself. I can't imagine ever getting back to 100%, but if you can come back to the awesome woman and mom we know and love from losing Emily, I can certainly kick divorce in the ass. Hope you made your deadline, love the way you operate.

@Deb, if there is a religious bone in my body, it's busy thanking God for all the wonderful people I have in my life.