I've been struggling for a week in getting this post out, trying to put a positive spin on it, looking at it from a larger cooler perspective, but it's not happening. I'm bummed and this post is depressing...you've been warned.
They say that first events are the toughest, God they're right. Christmas so far has been brutal, I have no feelings of joy or anticipation. It's one big Hallmark holiday and Hallmark doesn't make a card for divorcing single mothers. lol
We put up the tree, which included the gabillions of handmade decorations made to signify the important events of our years together. A great tradition so long as you stay married. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. Then Ninja wanted to put up a few ornaments that were clearly of Mommy and Daddy together and I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea, then he started crying...then I did. In retrospect it sounds funny, but it was pretty brutal at the time. He then started pressing me about whether or not I loved Daddy. Hallmark definitely does not make a card for this! I stumbled through an answer, which was pretty much every divorce cliche in the book, largely because I had no idea of what to say. After talking with a professional, I let Ninja put up those ornaments that were important to him, explaining to him why I was doing so. But every time I look at my tree, which is really, the only sign of Christmas in my house, I feel depressed.
Shopping? Normally I'm game no matter what mood I'm in. I don't want to shop, I haven't started. It's overwhelming and really, I'd like to just avoid this Christmas, birthday, New Years by hiding in my bed. I'm going to the US to pick up some presents for the guys hopefully at decent prices, a trip I'd normally be salivating about, but it's something I'm dreading a bit more for some reason.
Then of course there are all those parties, concerts, events where you have to be together and fake a smile, all the while pretending that this isn't ripping your heart out. Ninja begged me to come to his grandparent's tree trimming party. Admittedly, part of me wants to go, because I don't want to be erased from the important events of my kids lives, nor do I fancy the idea of eventually being replaced in those events. The other part of me is dreading it, because it's another reminder of my former life and my new one is so unknown and scary.
I have to slap on a smile, pretend I'm happy and be strong for the kids, I get that, but in reality I'm hurting, I'm tired, worn and I really question some days how I'm going to keep on manufacturing strength as if it were some renewable resource. Guess that's the good thing about blogging, it's a space where I don't have to worry about my kids reading, at least for the next few years and I can be depressed as I want.