Friday, October 22, 2010

My name is Joy and I have PPD

I've been trying to deny it for I guess a month now, thinking that I just haven't found my swing, thinking once I get some sleep I'll be fine, but I don't think I will be. Well, I will be, but I don't know if my mood as of late will be something so easily licked.

It's hard for me to admit this to myself. It's hard for me to admit this to the world. Seems like every time I'm saddled with PPD or depression, people run. In spades.

So what is wrong with me? Essentially I feel like a big emotional ball of goo and unfortunately the emotions aren't the usual happy ones. I feel overwhelmed and tired, sad and lonely, insecure and isolated. However when I'm happy, I'm uber happy. My mood swings match the PMS of my teen years. When something that should be a 1 on the Richter scale happens, it's an 8 for me. I'm cranky, oh so cranky. I've been trying to keep everything under wraps, but it takes a lot of tongue biting. It seems like my filter is removed and so the ability to express annoyance is completely removed, so I just bottle it up. Not exactly the healthiest approach either.

So what to do...not sure. I've been trying to get an appointment with my doctor. You need the patience of Job for that. There's pills, I'm not too fond of that idea, I don't like being numb. Therapy, but again, I don't have the time, three kids, Dearest working forever, baby who needs me, lack of therapists in my area. I don't like relying on anyone, I've had to be independent from a pretty early age and it was pretty much against the code and a sign of weakness if you ask for help growing up, so it's not in my nature. Besides, people have their own lives, their own problems, some of which dwarf my insane hormones and crummy confidence.

Oy! This post is making me tired. I'm trying to see the bright side of things all the time, but there are days, like today where the million things I have to get done, the seemingly million of faults I have, the isolation I feel is getting the better of me and I just want to go hide in bed. Thankfully, Baby D is a tough taskmaster and won't let me get away with that. Hell, I have no time to be depressed. *g* I've got to be happy mom, supportive wife, good friend, party planner, chaffeur, chef, housekeeper and fixer upper lady. But it creeps in on me as much as I try to push it away and I hate it, it interferes way too much in my life.

So to friends and family, if you're trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, here it is. I'm still going to try my damndest to chippy and happy, but there seems to be a guaranteed few days a week where I'm ready to cry at a moments notice, or resisting biting the head off someone and I'm apologizing in advance. Feel free to avoid.


Cheryl said...

Bravo, Joy! you're awesome for posting this. Honestly? I'm the worlds best actress. I've been dealing with clinical depression for years and I never let anyone know how terribly I'm feeling. I've been having weird joint issues and they're wearing me down. Like you, I don't have time for pain or being depressed. Please know that if you need to talk (new or old friends) I'm here for you.

Mom2Michael said...

Hey hon. I'm proud of you for admitting this to yourself, and for going public with it. You know where I am (and so does your Dearest)

We'll get you through

Pamela said...

Joy, it's not quite the same thing, but I finally had to admit that dealing with constant, chronic pain has caused me to spiral into some major depressive lows.

I had a couple of days where I just couldn't do anything. It took too much effort to even cry - I just had tears rolling silently down my face. I've always been the person who took care of others. I was revered by my bosses as someone who could remember in detail the various to-do's from meetings without referring to the notes and never missing an item. Now, I can barely remember what happened 5 minutes ago.

It takes strength and courage to admit where your mind is and how difficult things are sometimes to manage. I hope you are able to meet with your doctor soon (are you able to see your OB-GYN for a depression diagnosis and treatment?) and I hope you are able to get this under control quickly, so you're feeling back on top.

Keep's a great way to stop yourself from going down a dark path (or at least from going too far).

Big hugs,

Anonymous said...

I’m sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. Like others, I also had a tough time for months after Lily was born. Good for you for telling people! I’m here for you as well. If there’s anything I can do, please call!

Joy said...

Thank you friends. It's really hard for me to admit this, I know it's silly, but I do feel shame, like I've fallen apart since I'm supposed to have it together, it's in the job description after all. I do feel a bit relieved. I've been trying to keep myself busy and distracted to keep negative thoughts out of my head and from eating every last drop of chocolate in the house.

Cheryl, we do need to get together some time. Those long SAHM days can often be a drag and let the bad thoughts creep in. You make sure you let me know if you're in need of a chat.

Mom2Michael, you are a gem of a friend, you truly are. I feel so blessed to have you and silly that I could barely look you in the eye when talking about this, especially knowing what a great person you are.

Pamela, your struggles with your pain management would have taken down a team of oxen by now. I feel much like you described. I remember back in the day, I could handle a caseload and a half, *remember* people's details without help and function like a finely tuned engine. Today, I'm having basic grammar issues. It's very frustrating and I guess another issue I'll have to work through. Thank you for your well wishes.

Joy said...

Thank you A Bookcase for Lily for your support. I had PPD with Mister N, which seems a lifetime ago, I never expected to get it again so late in the game, especially since I didn't have it after giving birth to A Dude.

Jenn said...

It's the stigma that makes it so hard for people to admit to any kind of mental illness, whether it be depression, PPD or whatever...(i had some PPD when i had my third)
It's good that you're on top of it, by admitting it, it makes it easier to deal with it.
It's hard because, yes, people tend to run. But those who really love you will stick with you, and that's really all that matters.

Congrats on baby 3. I haven't been around Chatelaine or even i thought i'd say hello here.

MO4 (Jenn)

Bluefunk said...

I'm a little late in commenting but you should be proud for putting yourself out there. It's hard and it sucks but you know we're all here for you. The more women talk about it the better. You're a great mom but what makes you super is that you know when to say "HELP!"

Joy said...

I remember watching an episode of Desperate Housewives where Lynette has just had an emotional breakdown and her friends are surrounding her telling her that they've been there and not to feel like she's failing as a mom. She says something like why didn't you tell me that! We need to talk about these things. And we do. Moms are always beating themselves up over this that or the other thing, but in the end, I suspect we're all making the same mistakes and most of us are learning from them.

It's great to "see" you Jenni, it sure has been a while. Thanks for the congrats, I think I'm trying to catch up with you. ;)