I've been trying to deny it for I guess a month now, thinking that I just haven't found my swing, thinking once I get some sleep I'll be fine, but I don't think I will be. Well, I will be, but I don't know if my mood as of late will be something so easily licked.
It's hard for me to admit this to myself. It's hard for me to admit this to the world. Seems like every time I'm saddled with PPD or depression, people run. In spades.
So what is wrong with me? Essentially I feel like a big emotional ball of goo and unfortunately the emotions aren't the usual happy ones. I feel overwhelmed and tired, sad and lonely, insecure and isolated. However when I'm happy, I'm uber happy. My mood swings match the PMS of my teen years. When something that should be a 1 on the Richter scale happens, it's an 8 for me. I'm cranky, oh so cranky. I've been trying to keep everything under wraps, but it takes a lot of tongue biting. It seems like my filter is removed and so the ability to express annoyance is completely removed, so I just bottle it up. Not exactly the healthiest approach either.
So what to do...not sure. I've been trying to get an appointment with my doctor. You need the patience of Job for that. There's pills, I'm not too fond of that idea, I don't like being numb. Therapy, but again, I don't have the time, three kids, Dearest working forever, baby who needs me, lack of therapists in my area. I don't like relying on anyone, I've had to be independent from a pretty early age and it was pretty much against the code and a sign of weakness if you ask for help growing up, so it's not in my nature. Besides, people have their own lives, their own problems, some of which dwarf my insane hormones and crummy confidence.
Oy! This post is making me tired. I'm trying to see the bright side of things all the time, but there are days, like today where the million things I have to get done, the seemingly million of faults I have, the isolation I feel is getting the better of me and I just want to go hide in bed. Thankfully, Baby D is a tough taskmaster and won't let me get away with that. Hell, I have no time to be depressed. *g* I've got to be happy mom, supportive wife, good friend, party planner, chaffeur, chef, housekeeper and fixer upper lady. But it creeps in on me as much as I try to push it away and I hate it, it interferes way too much in my life.
So to friends and family, if you're trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, here it is. I'm still going to try my damndest to chippy and happy, but there seems to be a guaranteed few days a week where I'm ready to cry at a moments notice, or resisting biting the head off someone and I'm apologizing in advance. Feel free to avoid.