Contradictions

So while I'm a big proponent on women staying with their own natural beauty and not letting the media get to them about why they have to be a size 2, or blond or white, I'm pretty poor at practicing what I preach.

I've been trying like Hell to lose weight. I have been taming my curls with a hot iron into a straight and smooth style. I dye my hair instead of letting my natural colour, complete with greys show, I feel prettier when I wear contacts and makeup and I'm pretty sure I've decided I want plastic surgery. So obviously I'm doing a piss poor job at absorbing my own message. But isn't that always the way? We tell our friends that they are beautiful, they're wonderful and need no enhancement, maybe because we can see what is inside them and we hate the thought of them going through the same type of emotional turmoil we are going through when it comes to our bodies and self image.

I've lost 7lbs since mid December. I just got a pair of pants back from the tailors being altered for length (apparently, all plus sized women are 5'10 or something!) I put them on, the length is perfect, but they're drooping. I'm thrilled, happy that I've just recently purchased a bunch of pants I'll no longer need in a month or so. Either that or go back to the tailor to have them taken in, that should be the more economical of the two right? My tops are huge! I bought some dresses that were a 1x, and they look like sacks on me. Again I'm thrilled, but so much for my message of body acceptance. I'm not happy with my body and I'm not sure whether it comes from deep programming that fat is bad and only thin is beautiful, or is it a genuine feeling. I know I genuinely hate my arms, every picture I see of them I cringe. I don't hate my legs, my breasts or behind, but wouldn't mind them trimmer. Is that me or the Kool-Aid?

I'm at the point where I want plastic surgery. I need a breast reduction, I plan on losing more weight for that, but they're huge, heavy and will look really out of place if I drop another 20lbs, let alone the 40 I'm aiming for. I'm looking forward to relief on my back, shoulders and the ability to buy a bra that doesn't cost $90.00 minimum! So that I can justify as partially life changing in terms of my health and well being. Having them lifted, well that's purely cosmetic. And the truly optional part I'm looking at is a tummy tuck. I was fine with my tummy, excess weight and all before having kids. It was pudgy, but it was attached to me. Since having kids, it's become a pouch...seriously! I look like a freaking kangaroo! So it has to go, and I'm pretty sure no amount of diet and exercise will get rid of it in its entirety.

My hair...well nothing about my hair is real. My colour, the style, the fact that it's straight. But I loooove it like this. It's so much easier to take care of and it makes me feel good and powerful and sexy. I was whip my hair back and forth...okay bad way to put it, but I don't have to worry about whether it's grown a mind of it's own and started snatching squirrels off trees.

So where does this leave me, again, a whole lotta talk and no action. I admit it, I'm part of the Matrix! However what I do have going for me is, my weight. I'm not trying to get down to a size 2. A size 12 would be ideal because I need curves, I love curves and I do not want to see any of my bones jutting out. However a size 14 would be fine, although in that weird zone of nothing truly fits well. I'm in this mode where I have an ideal image of my body, I'm not there yet, but it's not really anywhere near the ideal image of what constitutes beautiful nowadays. I think of all my actions, I'm having difficulty coming to terms with a tummy tuck since that is so out of place for me, but it's a part of my body that has changed and not for the better, so it's something I want to reclaim.

Anyhow, despite all this, I want people to listen to me when I'm saying don't drink the Kool Aid!!! At least not all of it. We all have our perception of beauty and I'm sure some of it was moulded by the media, our peers, our parents, our SOs. I guess we just have to make sure it is our voice that is the loudest and determine if we are committed to changing our bodies for ourselves or someone else.