200 Pounds, here I come

I haven't seen the shy side of 200lbs since...well I was in a post nap hangover trying to figure it out and I couldn't, but I remember it coincided with a massive bout of depression and me taking leave of all my good sense. Stop laughing. I got down to 180lbs, largely because I wasn't eating. People noticed me and I felt great about my body, not so great on the inside. When I started feeling good and safe, I started eating again, and usually not chosing healthy things or appropriate amounts to eat. When I feel safe, I eat...I just had that epiphany right now actually. Damn, I should really return to being a counsellor some times. lol

The next time I tried weight loss was after my Tummybear (DS2 and I'm sure he'll love me for the nickname) was born. I got a trainer, took up some aquafit classes and everything. I learned that I eat when I exercise and my choices aren't so great. I did manage to get down to 210 lbs. I manage to hide weight well, so at that weight, I can usually get into a size 16. I know many of you roll your eyes, but seriously, come look in my closet! I have friends who are 16s and borrow clothes from me.

I've always tried to not gain massive amounts of weight during my pregnancies. This pregnancy was no different, but I was bigger, the weight I gained was well beyond the 15-20lb rule they give to us fat chicks, which I also ignore because I think that rule is obnoxious. Anyhow, thankfully most of that weight turned out to be baby. I stepped on the scale today and it revealed that I was 221lbs, which was five pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.

Not that that is something to be thrilled about. I made a vow to myself that I would see the shy side of 200lbs again. Lately, other than my peanut butter cups which I have to shock my system into life after my naps, if Lord Baby D deigns to give me one, I've been reaaaallllly good, which is reaaaaallllly hard when you're on domperidone which gives you the appetite of an African Honey Badger, Wolverine *sigh* Hugh Jackman and Tasmanian Devil all rolled into one. So I've been snacking on granola bars, honeycrisp apples...thank GOD it's fall, lots of water and making sure I get my three squares a day. Heck, taking 40 milk making supplements has it's benefits, I'm barely hungry after those and 24oz of water I need to choke them down.

I'm trying to figure out why I've vowed myself to a lower weight. Maybe I've been inspired by the plus sized women in my life who have shedded the pounds one way or another. I don't have any huge desire to be skinny, I'm thinking 180lbs would be ideal for me. Being pregnant has reminded me what it's like to carry around extra weight and how good it feels to get rid of that. I caught myself running up the stairs the other day. Why? BECAUSE I CAN!!! I can squat again without my legs begging for mercy.

So now, I have to figure out how to finagle healthy eating choices with feeling safe. I still want to eat and believe me, I loooove good food, but I need to learn to curtail butter and creams and all those rich items and replace them with ample fruits, veggies and lean cuts of meat. I need to realize that my safety doesn't require me to be fat and that because I feel safe I shouldn't go carte blanche with the food, weird sort of cycle I'm in. Other than going out for dinner, which is rare, I figure food has to have a good nutritional value to it, basically, other than my post nap defibullators, which are two small pieces of chocolate the good has to outweigh the bad.

Anyhow, sorry for the blather, I just needed to sort this out. I need everyone to wish me luck and if you're out with me and I'm contemplating something like french fries on top of calamari, seriously, take the menu and smack me over the head. I know some of you would revel in that.