Monday, February 25, 2013

How things affect me

It's funny, as time goes on at placement, the more people get to know me. I'm a pretty open book, so I've talked about my divorce. I remember when I was telling some people, they all were in shock. They then started treating me very kindly and gently, like I was in intensive care.

I don't usually see myself as a strong person, but seeing the reactions of people lately, I'm starting to see that I must be a little strong to get through something that is pretty shocking to various individuals. It's not just placement, but anywhere, everywhere.

Then they all look at me dumbfounded about why I'm so happy, so bubbly (it's part of my job for one) why I'm not in therapy big time (been there, done that). I don't think about it day to day, mostly, I think about how I'm going to get through the day intact and still have fun. My schedule is exhausting, but my school is fun, my placement is fun, my kids are super fun, my friends are fun and my boyfriend is fun. My main foe these days are lack of sleep and two year old's who want to get up at midnight for three hours to play.

Maybe getting to this point in my life where it is business as usual and my big concerns have nothing to do with painful events in my past is strength, though I prefer to call it progress. It's quickly closing in on two years since we split up, I like to reflect, and I can remember last year, reflecting, simply remembering the amount of pain it caused me would make me tear up, now as I look back, it's hard to remember that pain so vividly. Just like with a death, though I still miss those who have passed, I have a hard time recalling blow by blow the awful feeling it was at the time.

We talk a lot in school about the resiliency of the kids we work with, some of them just surviving, but how that is to be recognized. I don't think we as adults often look back on our own resiliency, which really ought to be examined if you work in social services (I'm looking at all you CYWs, PSWs, SWs) because its easier (and more credible) to convince our clients that they are strong and resilient and can overcome their challenges, if we are inspired by the own hurdles we've crossed. So this upcoming anniversary, I'm going to reflect on my hurdles, I'm going to honour them. And hopefully at the end of this process, I too will see the strength that everyone is telling me I possess.

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