Thursday, October 18, 2012

Can't think of a title

my mom is in the icu, my son is at home with pneumonia. Thankfully he is not in serious condition, though disturbingly lethargic, my mom however is in serious condition.

I'm bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball. I'm nursing my own infection, I try not to touch my mom. The stress kills my appetite and I spend much of the time shaking, whether that is because of low blood sugar or stress, I don't know.

I'm exhausted. I haven't slept a full night in I don't know how long. And when I hit the bed, I'm overcome with emotion and spend another hour crying, feeling guilty, feeling overwhelmed. Last night I had a moment where I was sobbing and mid sob, I just stopped. It was a very strange sense of calmness. It's like part of my brain took over and shut down all emotion.

It's funny, I was fine until my tipping point came in the form of a letter froma professor requiring proof that my mom is in the icu. I lost my shit and just started crying.

I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that this process is taking so long. I hate myself that I can't spend as much time with my son as I want to, as he needs me. I'm angry that the only people here are me and my support. It makes me feel very blessed and very alone at the same time.

I cry when people are kind to me, even the cheerful cashier. I cried when my former inlaws upon hearing showed up at my door rolling up their sleeves to help, despite being seriously germ phobic. I cry when my boyfriend brings me some water, when my bestie sits beside me with my mom knitting. I cry at the sacrifices people have made and are prepared to make.

This is rambling, but I have to get it out. I know it's very self centred, but that is the point. I've gotten a brief moment while my mom is getting an arterial line in because they can no longer draw blood the conventional way. Now it's time to multitask again.

2 comments:

Deborah Coombs said...

Hang in there honey. I wish I could do more to help. You are doing amazing! Mom is in my prayers

Jenn said...

I think you are doing amazingly too. Hang in there.

Also, it is okay to feel whatever you feel and overwhelmed, angry, frustrated and all totally okay. Guilt - well, if you feel guilt you do, but honestly if you do your best, and your kids are safe, that is enough. When I was in hospital for pre-term labour, it made Noah really unhappy. And a couple of times he had to come down with us late at night. And one time he was carsick on the DVP and Carl kept him home the next day because he hadn't had time to clean the carseat, not for any educational reason, and he watched DVDs all day while Carl worked and missed school. And it sucked, but he really is okay.