Disillusioned

I generally try to see the best in people, I feel that having faith in others is a symbol of my spiritual faith. It's been a long slog, but I've generally prevailed without coming out too wounded or bitter. I feel like I've picked myself off the mat after every good left hook, wiped the sweat away, spit the blood out and beckoned life to come on, try again. Why? Because that faith sustained me.

Tonight, I'm not having such an easy time getting up.

I'm left wondering why people do things to hurt others. Never mind your friends, family, children, but complete strangers. I try to go through life, thinking about my footprint about how what I do might affect someone directly and indirectly. And if I hurt someone, I try to make amends, apologize, or if I cannot, at least have some humility in how I behave further so that I don't negatively affect them anymore than I have to. I try to have faith that others do the same, at least most of the time.

I'm struggling with that.

I just don't understand why the hits keep coming. I try to make sense of it, but no matter how much I play by the rules, no matter how much I try to take the higher road, it's not having the desired effect of being treated with some compassion or honour. I was sitting on my couch tonight trying to blank out with a video game, but slowly and tearfully I might add, coming to the conclusion that so many people only live this life with themselves as the giant main focus and its very depressing.


I think I've lived a very charmed life, yes it's been hard, but I've always been very fortunate in my family and friends that I haven't had many opportunities to become too jaded when it comes to dealings with other people in the microlevel. But I dunno, tonight just took a strip out of me and try as I might, I lose a little more faith in the world that people generally stop and think about what sort of impact they may have, before wantonly stepping in and hurting others.

I'm trying to regroup and focus on all the awesome people in my life and hopefully how I try to treat them and plod forward might somehow be repaid at least a little. It does in spades when it comes to friends and family, but I'd really like to see some results in other areas too. In the meantime, I'm going to surround myself with people I love and who love me and try to remind myself of people who go forward carefully, considering their moves in life and how they may effect others, and maybe indirectly themselves when they look back on their actions.

One of my favourite things to think of when I'm feeling low is a few lines from the movie "The Two Towers" part of the Lord of the Rings epic.

When an exhausted Frodo says to Sam, his companion "I can't do this" Sam replies

I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding on to something.Frodo replies "What are we holding onto Sam?"And Sam says

"There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for."