Coffee baited death trap

So I was up early this morning and I had the brilliant idea of going to pick up some coffee for us. Not that I can't make coffee, but yanno, coffee I pay for is far better. So I get in Big Mama Fuss (my van, her initials also mean Big blankety blank too), turn her on, listen to her scream in protest that its a Saturday and its cold, why the fuck am I trying to wake her up, and mosey on down to the Tim Hortons. This brings me to my very important point of the day. It's a serious issue affecting all Canadians. It's the topic of Tim Hortons parking lots.

Why is it every time I enter one of these places, I feel like I'm walking into a ticking bomb. I don't know how many parking lots are designed like this, but with my local one, you have the drive thru lane, and it goes on out of the way, minding its own business, it's long enough for oodles of cars. Then, intersecting this lane is another entrance. So right when you're about to get up to the drive thru garbage cans, which signals to you that your long wait is coming to an end, there is a lane for people to cut in front of you. Now I don't know who thought of this idea, or how many Tim Hortons in Canada has a cutter's lane, but I have to wonder if its some insane social experiment to see just how nice Canadians really are at 8am on a Monday morning without a coffee. Frankly, it being Toronto and all, I'm actually surprised no one has gotten killed while trying to cut in line, or at the very least, have had the nose of their car torn off by some grumpy mother of three driving in a BMFing van....jussayin.

Next point is, the cutters lane, it cuts right through the parking lot...which is tiny by the way. So people who line up trying to steal a place in line, instead of going to the back like freaking decent human beings, essentially cut off the flow of traffic for the rest of the parking lot if it gets any more than one car deep. They block in cars that are parked, and they pretty much block off the corner of the L shaped dime sized lot that is expected to handle all the traffic.

Needless to say there are lots of traffic snarls, horns honking and people giving the "I'm Canadian, so instead of cussing you out like I really want to do, I'm just going to give you the look of death". Seriously, who the hell designed these lots? I wish I could say it was only mine, but I've seen several with cutters lanes and just so disorganized it looks like a monkey high on speed designed them. Trying to park...which I actually did this morning because I thought since I didn't have three kids to tote, I'd do the socially responsible thing and walk my behind in, is insane. I had to essentially muscle my way into a spot (not too hard when you're driving a BMFing van) and even then, even though it was clearly MY spot, some doofus in a Civic tries to cut me off, which makes me wonder if he's ever seen what one of these vans can take and still keep kicking...I know because I had to test it out with a TTC vehicle. My van, she survived. So you're parked, you think you're home free right? Nope! You still have to get your ass into the store, which is like those herds of zebras and wildebeasts migrating and having to cross a river where there are a million giant crocodiles waiting to eat them.

You get into the store, get your coffee, have a sip, and suddenly navigating the crocodile river of doom seems manageable. "I have coffee now, you SOB croc! Taste some hoof!" So you zip back out to your car, with coffee and doughnuts in tow...okay, I have the doughnuts, breakfast of champions! and now you have to get out, which may seem like a cake walk, since now I have caffeine, sugar and the confidence that I've successfully gotten in, crossed the river twice and lived to tell the tale, but nope. First of all, I have to back out, and for all those who say I should have backed in to avoid this mess, bite me! I live in the suburbs, I drive a minivan, I *don't* back in, much to the chagrin of my partner. So I'm backing out, and you'd think the sight of a BMF van slowly backing out, would give most pedestrians a reason to stop and pause and not walk behind the van...no. I suspect they are severely depleted of caffeine, but its essentially one of the wildebeasts coming up to a croc minding her own business, sleeping in the sun and kicking her in the head for shits and giggles. Said doofus in the Civic is back, honking at me to hurry my ass up, not noticing me trying to avoid the wildebeast with a death wish, so I flash him the Canadian glare and resist the temptation of seeing what happens to a Civic, when you try to drive an Odyssey over it. Honda death match!

I am steps away from the exit, but wait, monkey on speed parking lot design strikes again. Right where the exit is, to a major freaking road, the exit lane for the drive through intersects, there's not even a stop sign. That said, most sane people would stop and check the flow of traffic before venturing out, but nope...again, I have to wonder, if this isn't some bizarre experiment to see just how many accidents can happen in a parking lot where deprived people are going to get caffeine and sugar. I give them a toot at this point...okay I lay on the horn, I'm pissed, I'm tired, I just want my coffee, my doughnut and the warmth of my house, and a serious amount of appreciation from my partner from braving the Serengeti just to get some fucking coffee. Somehow, I manage to make it home without eating a gazelle or two on the way.

So Canadians, take note, chances are, your Tim Horton's parking lot and drive thru lanes were designed by monkeys on some serious freaking drugs in an elaborate social experiment, or just because they're sadistic to test our patience, our skills and how well we operate without the caffeine necessary to make the day go a lot more smoothly and pleasantly. Better yet, try Starbucks, parking lots were designed by monkeys, but they were sober.