How does it come to this?

So I woke up from a lovely sleep after being up north recovering from an insane week. I woke up in the morning to enjoy a rare cup of coffee while my children were still asleep, signed on to read the news and like make woke up to the fact that a massacre occurred in a nightclub in Orlando. The people committing these horrible crimes usually have some sort of hateful justification, in this case, the targets and victims were gay. As the day goes on I have tasks to carry out, but check in when I can and see the death count rise, honestly though, one is too many.

We sit and ask ourselves how does it come to this. I actually had some thoughts around this when people ask themselves how Donald Trump with all his racist rhetoric gets to become a nominee for the leader of the USA. Sure we can blame extremists, or racists and pat ourselves on the back for not being that extreme and even though we may never pick up a weapon to cause harm to others, or vote a terrible person into power, we still have our roles.

Every time we let that joke fly by, or let cousin Eddy say something terrible and you don't speak up, or you for some reason feel the need to separate into us and them over an issue. You know, when you have those little statuses or complaints about "those people", "Real Canadians", "Our way of life", "Political correctness", "Hating the sin" or any complaints about "perverts" in washrooms. I'm guilty for staying silent when I should say something in "order to keep the peace".

You see, all of us different people aren't complaining and fighting and raising hell for the sake of hearing our own voices. I'd rather be doing anything than reflecting on the senseless deaths of so many people because of who they were attracted to. I'd rather be doing anything, than watching my Muslim friends make a point of saying how they are not associated with this guy. This isn't something we "Social Justice Warriors" enjoy, I feel terrible, I'm scared and sad and angry.

I'm also going to tell you that these little negative gems, are the seeds of this much greater problem. You say these little things, not really thinking about the larger picture, just that you're scared that the status quo may change, and like ripples on water it fuels other little comments, and more comments, and bigger and nastier comments, and thoughts, beliefs and values. You get people like Trump who is now validating all those little comments and thoughts. Or people like Mateen who just cuts to the chase and eliminates lives as he sees fit.

See what you don't get, is that there is power in what you say and it affects others. Words inspire, why else do we listen to speeches or sermons, read books or listen to music? You say, they are simply your opinion and you have a right to say them no matter how ugly they are. Indeed you do, but I'm going to tell you that those words, those thoughts are ugly and point out that they are a small cog in a big problem.

So where does this leave us...comments about those people, real Canadians, our way of life, all of them are related to change. Ask yourself, has your life REALLY been negatively impacted because LGBTQ people are slowly being protected by laws? Don't like that a same sex couple can adopt a child? I bet that child is pretty happy they have a family now. Don't like that they have sex...I really can't see how that impacts you. Has it been negatively impacted because people have immigrated to your country? Didn't get that job? Well maybe it has more to do with your qualifications than the colour of someone else's skin. Has it been impacted because someone whom you deem as uncacceptable as your gender, is in your washroom? You're there to pee,  so are they, get on with it.

Now ask yourself, do you have anything in common with people in these groups? You laugh, you cry, you poop, you eat. Language not being a barrier, you can strike up a conversation with almost anyone about what their favourite food or song or animal is. Is your discomfort with some change worth saying something hurtful about someone who you probably have more in common with than you think?

So how do we get Mateens and Trumps? As much as it is because we don't speak up and we don't oppose hate vigorously enough, it's also because we speak "little negative things" against groups of people or we let them slide, its because we fail to see the humanity in each other and value thoughts and institutions that maintain the status quo over a fellow person. How whack is that? Think about it, "I have this beliefs that prevents me from seeing this person as someone deserving dignity, compassion and respect". What does that say about that belief?

I tried to leave this post on a positive note, but it all sounds trite and really, I'm not feeling positive, nor should I, I doubt many who have a strong dislike for hate are feeling too positive right now. All I'm going to say is that your little words, are part of a very big problem and when that big problem erupts, a lot more than feelings or rights get hurt.

My Beauty Hopes

So I came across this photo on the Facebook page of Healthy is the New Skinny 

I shared this response that I'd like to just post here so I can come back to it over and over again whenever I'm feeling ugly. Sorry for the weird formatting, I'm getting back into the saddle and for some reason it doesn't want to justify LEFT!!!!

"This is so true, I know it and at times I feel it, and I would wholeheartedly tell anyone that they are beautiful even those they are outside the beauty standard and be 100% genuine.

But for myself, it is a constant struggle to internalize the feeling that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and most importantly from within. There will be glimpses when I look at myself and for a split second see a beautiful women and then all the programming takes over and then the "if only I could lose..." "If I didn't have these wrinkles..." "I wish my hair..."

I could have whatever creating force is out there tell me that I am the ideal definition of beauty and I'd still say "but I'd be better looking if I lost a few pounds right?" 

How sad is that, that despite being a strong minded vibrant woman who would gladly eviscerate any argument that women outside the media's image aren't attractive, on behalf of all women and men, that I cannot apply that to myself. How deep the message has gone that even with all my strength and stubbornness and wisdom I cannot still see my body as a soft curvy reminder of a life well lived, overcoming struggle and still supple enough to bend. That I cannot see these lines for every reflective moment, brilliant thought, survived trauma or wonderful bliss. That I cannot see these grey hairs for the sparkly reminder that I am getting older but I am still here, with purpose and with people who are on this journey with me. 

I promise myself over and over again that "no more!" I will not succumb to the evil poison the media has fed me. If I can see the beauty in women who are fat, thin, old, young, hairy, bald, with long legs or none at all, curly or straight hair, and every skin shade imaginable, I should be able to see it in myself. It lasts for a little bit, but like smoke, those evil messages seep through the cracks in my armor and I find myself staring at the mirror poking myself, smoothing out imperfections, wondering when my beauty will fade so dramatically that I won't be worthy of love anymore.

This is what these messages have done to me, and it is a constant fight to overcome them daily and feel confident enough to dress in anything other than baggy clothes or to go out without makeup or without my hair perfectly done. It's like an illness I have to fight daily in order to be whole with myself again so that I can focus on the task at hand, my friends and family, hell...life! 

I hope someday some wisdom untapped will finally kick in and kick out all those negative messages. To be able to look at myself and reflect on what I have done, rather than focus on what "society" deems as imperfection. I want to be that crone who is wise, proud, wrinkled and beautiful someday and just know it and share it and hopefully inspire someone like me who still has some much beauty left untapped."

To the Fathers of my Son's Future Partners...Don't threaten my boys

My oldest is ten years old now, so this is creeping up on me. He told me a while back he had a crush on a girl and while I did all my squealing and my son promptly left the room, I started to think about romance when you're young. I remembered the delirious highs and the soul crushing lows and started to worry about his little heart being broken and I get it, I get the instinct to protect one's young from harm. Believe me, I'm a Mamabear and proud of it, but there are some harms he is going to have to face that I cannot protect him from.

Your fear as a father protecting your young goes beyond a broken heart, I get that too. Totally. I am all over the rape culture society has and the dangers for women, particularly in intimate relationship. I have a diploma to prove it. I fear for the young women I work with when they talk about stupid things their partners say or feel entitled to. I want to somehow magically transplant at least some of the wisdom and entitlement I have as a woman to be safe in an intimate relationship. But as a worker, I can only do much and I try very hard to make sure that even from my position, they have the knowledge to be safe.

Pretty shitty world we live in when we feel like we have to do that to keep our girls safe. I won't deny the nature of society and that it leads to a belief that men are entitled to women's bodies. However I don't believe all men are stupid enough to think this way. Are teenage boys flowing with hormones? Most likely in most cases. Does this lead towards sexual activity? It can, because girls and women have hormones too. Does this lead to girls and women being raped? No.

Sexual activity and rape are two different things. Lets get rape out of the way. My boys are not being raised to think that "boys will be boys" is okay. They are not being raised to think that the best way to get a girl's attention is to be mean to her or call her names, or pull her bra straps. They are not being raised where it is acceptable to resort to physical violence.They are not being raised where it is acceptable to ridicule or berate or make someone feel unsafe mentally or emotionally. They are not being raised where they will not being accountable for their actions. All of this starts at home, in a loving environment where everyone is respected, even children. Does this mean they are undisciplined? Oh god no, I'm a pretty strict parent when it comes to behaviour expectations, and it shows. But I'm also a loving mom who basically believes in the golden rule. I'm happy to report so far, other than incessant squabbling between them, it seems to be working.

Oh, in case it wasn't clear, I'm a feminist too. If you're rolling your eyes, I'm confused because who better to raise respectful men, and don't you want that for your daughter?

So let me tell you something, if I caught any of my boys acting like a misogynistic, entitled brats, the wrath of Mom is almost as scary as the wrath of Mamabear. So with that being said, don't threaten my boys if they are dating your daughter. Seriously, don't. My boys aren't going to rape your daughter, and you are fully encouraged to respectfully interrogate them (I'll be doing the same, don't worry), through that you will (hopefully) understand that they aren't going to bring that kind of harm to your daughter.

Will they break her heart? Maybe, maybe she will break their hearts. I will be working tirelessly to make sure that while relationships may not work out, they still need to be respectful and compassionate. Essentially, I'm trying to teach my boys not to cheat or be mean when ending a relationship. I truly hope you are doing the same thing.

Will they have sex...I know, you're shuddering, so am I, believe me, they're my babies. But I'm also realistic and that is a possibility. As such, I will be teaching them the importance of doing so in a respectful, compassionate and most important consensual manner.

If you are inclined to threaten my boys because of this, I've got news for you, you do not own your daughter's body and that is exactly the kind of attitude that feeds into rape culture. So as a woman, as a counsellor for abused women, as a child and youth worker, stop, and challenge your own thinking about that. You are no more entitled to have say what she does with her body than anybody else. As a Mamabear, just don't, because you are crossing a line that you would not be okay with if I threatened harm on your daughter, so you show the same amount of respect and we should get on fine. Don't assume the worst right off the bat and start what could be a positive relationship with the threat of violence.

Dear fathers, I truly, deeply understand the urge to protect your young. You have invested a lot of time instilling values, raising them well, loving them and hopefully passing on some wisdom, I've done the same. You will be able to tell this by sitting down with my kids for 15 minutes and talking to them. So what I ask is that you respect my kid, respect your kid, respect that you've done your job and respect that I'm doing my job and we should all get on fine.

On Being Controversial

To look at me, you'll see a pretty friendly looking, mother of three great kids, student and happy go lucky person. I have a nice house on a quiet suburban street, I have a great partner, lots of friends, nice family, pets, a flower garden. Additionally, a strong student (so long as there is no math involved), will go out of my way to help others, will pick up a $20 bill at a sports arena and find it's owner instead of putting it towards overpriced concessions, overall a nice person. You wouldn't be wrong, but I'm also a bisexual woman who has mixed ancestry of black, native and white. I'm also a feminist...and a socialist, I'm divorced (I don't hate men, I quite like the smart ones) somewhere in between "regular sized" and "plus sized", I have funky hair and a big mouth.

This puts me in an awkward position as a Canadian woman. Canadians in general do not like to talk about racism, sexism, Islamophobia, transphobia...well basically that doesn't paint us in the rosy light where we accept everyone and no one is racist, we are so beyond that! We have multiculturalism in our constitution and we were part of the Underground Railroad *chest all puffy*. White Canadians especially do not want to talk about these topics because they are uncomfortable for them a lot of the time. I can get it to a degree. I have no disability, I am cisgender, I am light skinned and have "good hair" and there have been times I've been asked to examine my privilege or make changes that feel different to me or that I was inadvertently being oppressive, it's not a good place, however sometimes shit just has to be said.

I have white friends and family and as I've become more vocal in examining race and racism in a Canadian context, my Facebook friends list has been decreasing in numbers as far as those white friends and family are concerned. Or they write to me "Why do you have to be so controversial?" or "Why are you so angry??" They wield angry around like it's supposed to be a kill switch "maybe if I call her angry, she'll stop" after all, who wants to be the angry sensitive person of colour. But the fact of the matter is, I am angry, I have this overwhelming urge right now as a Canadian to apologize for this, but no, it's okay to be angry.

Things are not okay. Things are in bad shape even in this day and age. Even in Canada.

We have police forces who routinely target black males for carding, they also routinely target Indigenous males for harassment. They won't release race based statistics on who they are arresting, or killing and that makes me wonder why.

We have people living in reservations with no clean drinking water, for reals. Come on, really? It's not like we have a lack of water. The government has no money to provide proper infrastructure? Or they have no say when an industry decides to pollute the water upstream?

We have children who are targeted by security agencies whilst flying as terrorists. Someone told me it was the price we had to pay for freedom. I don't know about other people, but I don't consider screening six year old children freedom, nor do I feel safer in the air.

I can go on for decades, hence the point of this blog, so I have to pace myself.

Oh Joy, but it's not all white people. You would be right. It's not. I have plenty of friends who are there fighting the good fight, some expected as they are deep into social justice, there are those who are simply going through life, look at a crappy situation and say that's not cool and then there are those who insist the status quo is just skippy. But here is the deal, you don't have to actively be holding a burning cross or making caricatures to be participating in this awful system. When you dismiss someone as too angry, when you say "pulling the race card", when you justify shitty race based experiences that people of colour are talking about, when you railroad that discussion by saying "not all white people, I'm not like that", you aren't helping any. Because what you really want to say is "not me!!!" and by jumping into that discussion and saying "not me!" you are trying to change an important discourse and make it about your feelings, not cool. And what really pisses me off is the entitlement behind that.

So friends, family, Canada, I'm sorry (no I'm not, just trying to be Canadian) I'm angry about this. I'm still the same person, however this is a topic near and dear to me because it's my very identity and that of many people whom I love, and we are being targeted because of it. You may see things you disagree with and by all means, engage me, I'll be civil, but I will be passionate, and I'm asking you to suck it up if you do. I'm going to break free from the non-controversial mode and start pushing these topics, they need to be pushed and I'm not afraid of being labeled angry or sensitive or playing the race card because those are pretty pathetic ways to shut me up and if you ask my mother, there is no shutting me up, I personally blame her parenting for that problem.

I've noticed we are entering a new era where people are connecting on these issues and forcing these topics to the table and by golly, I want to help, so fair warning, welcome to my blog, beware of controversy.

The NDP is No Longer My NDP

I wrote a letter today to the Thomas Muclair to express my shock and disappointment with it's silence on the human rights violation in Gaza. I'm sharing it with you guys today.

Dear Mr. Muclair

I am a lifelong NDP supporter. I was first introduced to this party when I was in my teens. I grew up in Regent Park in Toronto which was a marginalized community at the time, isolated from the rest of the city by an invisible wall of discrimination and disinformation. I had a (then) Metro councillor who was always skilled at thinking out of the box to advocate for us residents and more importantly, to teach us how to advocate for ourselves. I soon learned that he was a member of the NDP party and was truly committed to making the lives of people better, not only in my small community, but the country if not the world. He soon gave my mother a job in his office where we learned more. He found resources so that I as a youth and many others could be employed and not lured by other temptations. He was good friends with my partner at the time and throughout the years, this person taught me that NDP stood up for social justice, even in times where it was uncomfortable to do so. Many other members confirmed that for me. If you haven’t figured out who by now, that person was Jack Layton. Through the years, my family and he stayed connected, whether it was running for leadership, being involved in the White Ribbon Campaign, or simply sitting around a table with his guitar, a good bottle of wine and lots of music. When he died, I felt like a big piece of what it meant to be NDP died with him. I of course, dismissed that as being melodramatic, but the last year, I now wonder.

With the provincial elections in Ontario and Andrea Horvath’s pandering for votes, forgetting those who need representation the most, to the silence, stunning silence of the NDP on the whole topic of Gaza, which is my primary reason for voting today. I’m not Muslim, or Jewish. I am simply a member of the United Church of Canada, again, another organization who has, stood up and boycotted unjust nations and communities based on their actions disregarding human rights and life. I work with children and youth, am a mother of three and am not involved in an NGO or even claim to be the most savvy about foreign affairs, but I’m intelligent enough to see the numbers before my eyes and footage and words from journalists using social media to bring this injustice to the world.

I am shocked, I keep waiting for the NDP to sound off on this very important matter. I know Jack has spoken up for far far less, and yet silence. He has refused to budge when criticised for his advocacy, which landed him in another pot of hot water, but it was Jack Layton and he managed it with his usual grace, wit, style and dedication to a larger picture. Where is this party that represents the marginalized? Those who are progressive and care about the marginalized? People are dying, wrongly. There are 2 million people trapped in a place about the size of Scarborough and North York combined. They are being fired upon like fish in a barrel. Why in heavens name are we not speaking up about this? I cannot elaborate enough on how shocked I am that this party is silent on this issue. I am ashamed that no one has said anything. This is not an act of diplomacy, it’s cowardice. It may not be a popular opinion in some circles, but claiming to be a party for social justice means that you won’t be popular all the time. Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, they ruffled feathers, they hurt feelings, but they stayed committed to social justice and I was raised on an NDP that was too.

I now think that Jack Layton might have been an end of an era. He brought Canadians together, not based on watering down our message or beliefs, but because he showed more people how important they were and how strongly we were going to fight for that. I now see that our leaders are unclear on that message and it’s a shame, it’s sad. We have the opportunity, and the moral duty to speak out about this. An estimated 80% of the casualties in Gaza are civilians, children, the disabled, the elderly. If the party that is supposed to be for social justice is quiet, then yes, I do fear that a significant part of the NDP has died with Jack and while many of its members speak out on their own against this human rights atrocity, our party remains silent.

I will close with a memory I have. I once attended a forum in downtown Toronto with Bill Clinton and George W. Bush. The question was posed to the former presidents about regrets that they had during their presidency. Needless to say Bush had none, but I watched as Bill Clinton, after thoughtful reflection, nearly broke down on stage saying how much he regretted not doing anything when the Rwandan genocide was being committed. He mentioned that he based his inaction on it not being a popular or strategic decision and really in the end, nobody cared, so he did little to nothing. I will not be that man, I am not the leader of one of the most powerful nations on the planet, but myself and many others of this party who still believe in social justice will take action, even if the party we chose to represent us will not.

I truly hope you take the time to look at this issue beyond politics, beyond religion, beyond what is popular and see it for what it is. Shooting fish in a barrel trying to kill a few worms. Except these fish are people with hopes and dreams, they marry, they go to school, they cheer for their football teams and take out the garbage, they are working parents, scholars, doctors, teachers, construction workers, they are playful children, innocent babies, elderly survivors and all of whom have every bit of right to live and deserve those of moral conscience to fight for that.

Sincerely,

Joy Henderson

Dear World

Dear World

I'm angry at you, furious, like ready to scream at the first person who provokes me, like wanting to punch something all to mask the fact that I am frustrated, scared, sad and powerless. Unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard about the destruction of Gaza and it's people. Is this a one sided rant, I guess if you think this destruction is okay, it's going to come across that way, so duly warned. I've been simmering on this for a while, too afraid to write because ultimately I'm going to piss people off, if my Facebook posts haven't already done so, but I didn't earn the nickname "Mouthy" many years ago for nothing, so I may as well do it justice. I just hope I can do justice to what I'm feeling.

I can't claim to be an international expert. I'm pretty smart and have been reading up on the issue for some time now, but the fact remains that well over 1000 people are dead, about 80% of them civilians. Now you may think that they are Hamas sympathizers, or angry Muslims or terrorists whatever, but the fact remains that they are people, most of them innocent. A great many of them are elderly, children, people without arms or means to a life outside of poverty, in short, they are pretty helpless when it comes to fighting the 11th most powerful military in the world. These people are being killed, relentlessly as they sleep, as they seek shelter as they seek medical care or spiritual sanctity. These are PEOPLE.

I can't believe I live among folks who consider themselves progressive, but refuse to value these lives. (I'm looking at you NDP leadership-I expected this shit from Harper and Baird, but not you!) They justify it, ignore it, give weak responses, say that the media is biased, when at the start of this destruction, the media was letting go of journalists who were bringing back the stories that showed a hint of what the people of Gaza are going through. Thankfully that has changed and journalists are at least somewhat being encouraged to do their jobs. They protest conditions on First Nations reserves and rightly so, but Gaza is apparently okay.

You can call me whatever you want, brainwashed, lefty, even worse, but I'm going to tell you something, if saying that targeting a civilian population, when you have the bloody technology to accurately target is wrong, then have at it.

Fact of the matter is, if you can look at those disproportionate numbers of civilians killed, and if you can look at photos of dismembered children and the grief ridden parents and not question it, then I've got to ask what in the world is going through your mind? If this were happening anywhere else in the world, you'd be raising hell. I cannot get over how people who protested and criticized their governments over the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and the slaughter of innocents can so blithely write this off. Did I miss a memo? Are the people of Gaza less human?


I'm a mother, I'm a child and youth worker, I'm a person who cannot look at these photos and not be shocked, saddened. I can't imagine what those mothers, those families are going through. The desperation of having no water, no electricity, no shelter and no safety and trying like hell to keep yourself and more importantly, your children alive. I, like most parents have for a few brief moments experienced the fear a parent does when their child wanders away, is in danger, or is hurt, or does something dangerous, it is excruciating and never before have I felt such panic and terror, it still makes me anxious. Imagine that (if you're a parent) 24/7 and no way out.

Peace will never come of this, if people haven't figured this out by now, then we cannot call ourselves civilized. If we can brush off or justify the murder of innocents to root out enemies, we cannot call ourselves civilized. If we cannot call out each other when we are out of line without all hell breaking loose, we cannot call ourselves civilized...we can't even call ourselves adults at that point.

Forget party lines, forget race, ethnicity, religion. Forget nationalism, borders and money and alliances. Remember that every child has a wish for when they grow up, every (good) parent wants to see their child grow up and be happy, old people want peace and happiness, students want knowledge, farmers want to grow, doctors want to heal and the list goes on and applicable to any one of the what 7 billion now? People on this Earth. In the big picture, our hopes, dreams, lives, fears are not all that different, we have more commonalities than not. However you have to want to see that, you have to fight for it and have faith and believe that somewhere deep inside a person, there is a significant part that is like you, even if they don't want to see that. If you've lost that piece of you, that willingness to do so, I'm afraid for you, I'm afraid for humanity.

SUMMER! Summer summer summer summer!

Can you tell I'm a little excited? I've been seriously lacking in writing during the school year, because school funnels writing away, and seriously after writing and editing umpteen papers, the last thing I want to do is to be on a computer. But it's summertime. The kiddies are off in a few days, vacations starts, pool parties, patio nights, long lazy days, and I finally got the urge to write again.

As most of you know, I'm studying Child and Youth Work. For those who don't know what the hell we do, we basically work with kids. More often than not, we work with kids who have problems. Whether developmental, behavioural, socio-economic, legal etc. We're pretty spread across the board. Schools, group homes, community agencies, detention centres, children's aid or equivalent.

It's exciting learning and practicing and working with children. A lot of it was stuff you instinctively know as a parent, some of it came from growing up in a high risk community, some of it came from my previous work and there is a whole bunch of new things that connect all the dots.

What's challenging though is being a CYW and a parent. I mean its good because it's harder for my kids to outsmart me. It's great because I have a new understanding of how local schools work, what resources are available and can better make a judgment on how well a school is performing socially. It's hard because I tend to over think some things. It's hard because when I'm in my kids schoolyard, I want to participate with the kids. It's hard because parents ask me for advice, and I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

One of the hardest things is separating the mother from the worker. I want to nurture every child, make everything better, and I worry when I come home. I went through my placement this year having a very difficult time decompressing and it added a lot of unnecessary stress, which ultimately affected my physical health. Thankfully this year's placement looks a lot more positive with better support for debriefing and such.

The best though has been the community and the brilliant things I have picked up and has enriched the lives of my kids. I've made amazing friends, I have a giant network of childcare in a pinch and I know they'd be awesome. lol I've also brought so many games and ideas and fun back to my children it's made life great. I love that I can go to a school talent show and genuinely enjoy and get shivers from the hard work these kids have done, the immense talent, the amazing support they receive from their peers, and the ability to be in awe of how great they are. It's also given me an opportunity to understand my kids more, to see their needs and put a larger scope to it. It also makes me grateful for how easy I have it as a parent. When I see parents out there struggling with real issues for their children, suddenly those 6am squabbles between brothers don't seem to be such a huge problem.

That said, I'm still excited for summer, largely because I get to spend time with my children. To enjoy their discoveries, play silly games, appreciate their quirks (my boys are weird, but it works for them and I love it) and soak in all the time and sunshine I can with them.