It's funny, as time goes on at placement, the more people get to know me. I'm a pretty open book, so I've talked about my divorce. I remember when I was telling some people, they all were in shock. They then started treating me very kindly and gently, like I was in intensive care.
I don't usually see myself as a strong person, but seeing the reactions of people lately, I'm starting to see that I must be a little strong to get through something that is pretty shocking to various individuals. It's not just placement, but anywhere, everywhere.
Then they all look at me dumbfounded about why I'm so happy, so bubbly (it's part of my job for one) why I'm not in therapy big time (been there, done that). I don't think about it day to day, mostly, I think about how I'm going to get through the day intact and still have fun. My schedule is exhausting, but my school is fun, my placement is fun, my kids are super fun, my friends are fun and my boyfriend is fun. My main foe these days are lack of sleep and two year old's who want to get up at midnight for three hours to play.
Maybe getting to this point in my life where it is business as usual and my big concerns have nothing to do with painful events in my past is strength, though I prefer to call it progress. It's quickly closing in on two years since we split up, I like to reflect, and I can remember last year, reflecting, simply remembering the amount of pain it caused me would make me tear up, now as I look back, it's hard to remember that pain so vividly. Just like with a death, though I still miss those who have passed, I have a hard time recalling blow by blow the awful feeling it was at the time.
We talk a lot in school about the resiliency of the kids we work with, some of them just surviving, but how that is to be recognized. I don't think we as adults often look back on our own resiliency, which really ought to be examined if you work in social services (I'm looking at all you CYWs, PSWs, SWs) because its easier (and more credible) to convince our clients that they are strong and resilient and can overcome their challenges, if we are inspired by the own hurdles we've crossed. So this upcoming anniversary, I'm going to reflect on my hurdles, I'm going to honour them. And hopefully at the end of this process, I too will see the strength that everyone is telling me I possess.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Dear Ontario Teachers
I'm a parent who lives in Toronto, my oldest attends a TDSB school, and I have two more ready to join the ranks. My final years of high school were spent in the Mike Harris years, so it brings back a lot of memories...mainly of a teenager happy to not go to school. I'm a pretty political person and I veer towards the left, but my post and feelings are not so much based on politics as it does my personal experience.
I want to say thank you. I'm not a teacher, but know many, and I know what goes on behind the scenes. I see the hundreds of dollars of your own money you put forth to enhance your classroom. I can clearly see all the extra hours you spend on creating activities for my kids, how anyone cannot is beyond me. Even without all the teacher friends, I can see this. I know you must have lives somewhere out there and how your families sacrifice their time with you so that you can build lesson plans, mark, submit reports etc. I know that those glorious summer vacations everyone harps about, are often cut short by training, and most teachers I know return to school a couple of weeks early to prepare. Consistently teachers are at school before the bell rings, and after as well.
My oldest was disappointed that he would not be getting some of the extra curricular activities, however he is still educated, the walls in his school are still decorated with wonderful projects and overall the kids are happy. I don't think anyone is enjoying the denial of extra curricular activies, teachers included. I know some of my teacher friends are quite frankly, bummed out because they look forward to those events, teams, clubs as much as the kids.
I recently got into a bit of a debate with another parent in the school yard. She went on and on about you're overpaid, she has no sympathy, you get oodles of time off. In the end, I had to agree to disagree because neither of us were letting go of any ground. I ended (because I like to have the last word) with telling them that I doubt they would be so willing to put in the hours you guys to your jobs. I doubt that many parents would, judging by how many are itching to send their two or three back to school after the Christmas break.
Detractors are all too ready to bring up the bad apples, and sure, there are some, there are bound to be, but it shouldn't take away from the work and good most of you do daily. In many cases, you provide that safe adult that child may not have. Even with my own kids, my oldest went into grade one shortly after his father moved out. Now while he was loved dearly at home and we did our best to make things as stable as possible, his home life was changing radically as he knew it, and his safe constant spot was his school. His teacher knew of the situation, and having been through it herself, accommodated that need. When assigning kids to classrooms for the next year, the school took care of that need as well, by placing him in the class of the teacher not going on parental leave to ensure that stability. I was about to ask, but it was taken care of before I did. I've worked with kids who have been abused, I'm training to work with a wider group of children, but many people do not see this role that you play. Many kids who don't have a male or female parent often get that need filled somewhat by a caring educator.
Their school is safe, it's approachable, I run into the staff constantly running my errands, they are a part of my community in addition to being responsible for not only the education, but the well being of my children for the bulk of their waking hours during the week.
I sometimes wonder how other people don't see this. Maybe they don't have teacher friends, or work in social services. Overall, it's easy to criticise looking from the outside in and that's not exclusive to this situation. I'm sure many of you have heard more than enough criticism. So I wanted to put it officially on the record, that I know your job is hard, I know how dedicated you are to it, and that I, as a parent, tax payer, member of your communities appreciate it and want to express my wholehearted gratitude.
And, for any English teachers reading this, I apologize for grammatical or punctuation errors, one thing that teachers have not instilled in me, was the willingness to proofread...yeah, I'm a rebel that way.
Many thanks!
I want to say thank you. I'm not a teacher, but know many, and I know what goes on behind the scenes. I see the hundreds of dollars of your own money you put forth to enhance your classroom. I can clearly see all the extra hours you spend on creating activities for my kids, how anyone cannot is beyond me. Even without all the teacher friends, I can see this. I know you must have lives somewhere out there and how your families sacrifice their time with you so that you can build lesson plans, mark, submit reports etc. I know that those glorious summer vacations everyone harps about, are often cut short by training, and most teachers I know return to school a couple of weeks early to prepare. Consistently teachers are at school before the bell rings, and after as well.
My oldest was disappointed that he would not be getting some of the extra curricular activities, however he is still educated, the walls in his school are still decorated with wonderful projects and overall the kids are happy. I don't think anyone is enjoying the denial of extra curricular activies, teachers included. I know some of my teacher friends are quite frankly, bummed out because they look forward to those events, teams, clubs as much as the kids.
I recently got into a bit of a debate with another parent in the school yard. She went on and on about you're overpaid, she has no sympathy, you get oodles of time off. In the end, I had to agree to disagree because neither of us were letting go of any ground. I ended (because I like to have the last word) with telling them that I doubt they would be so willing to put in the hours you guys to your jobs. I doubt that many parents would, judging by how many are itching to send their two or three back to school after the Christmas break.
Detractors are all too ready to bring up the bad apples, and sure, there are some, there are bound to be, but it shouldn't take away from the work and good most of you do daily. In many cases, you provide that safe adult that child may not have. Even with my own kids, my oldest went into grade one shortly after his father moved out. Now while he was loved dearly at home and we did our best to make things as stable as possible, his home life was changing radically as he knew it, and his safe constant spot was his school. His teacher knew of the situation, and having been through it herself, accommodated that need. When assigning kids to classrooms for the next year, the school took care of that need as well, by placing him in the class of the teacher not going on parental leave to ensure that stability. I was about to ask, but it was taken care of before I did. I've worked with kids who have been abused, I'm training to work with a wider group of children, but many people do not see this role that you play. Many kids who don't have a male or female parent often get that need filled somewhat by a caring educator.
Their school is safe, it's approachable, I run into the staff constantly running my errands, they are a part of my community in addition to being responsible for not only the education, but the well being of my children for the bulk of their waking hours during the week.
I sometimes wonder how other people don't see this. Maybe they don't have teacher friends, or work in social services. Overall, it's easy to criticise looking from the outside in and that's not exclusive to this situation. I'm sure many of you have heard more than enough criticism. So I wanted to put it officially on the record, that I know your job is hard, I know how dedicated you are to it, and that I, as a parent, tax payer, member of your communities appreciate it and want to express my wholehearted gratitude.
And, for any English teachers reading this, I apologize for grammatical or punctuation errors, one thing that teachers have not instilled in me, was the willingness to proofread...yeah, I'm a rebel that way.
Many thanks!
Monday, December 24, 2012
So this is what 34 looks like
So, I'm up at 6:30 this morning. Why? You ask, am I up on 6:30, if I have no children in my house and its my birthday? Good question! I'm throwing a turkey in the oven. I'm expecting people at my place, lots of people, which means lots of turkey, which means I had to carve that sucker in half...or rather, get the boyfriend to do it, which he had to do with a very sharp knife and hammer-chisel style, it was pretty funny, and anyhow, first half had to be in the oven pretty early. After this, it's onto my hair, nails and whatever else I need to do to make myself look birthday-ish.
I've been thinking a lot about 33 and the past year. It's been a good year. Thirty two sucked BIG TIME! Thirty three though, it marked a shift from surviving to thriving again. I started the year off taking a drastic measure to make myself happy, it worked, and it showed me that not only did I have the courage, but the determination to be happy again. I spent a lot of time trying to get into a post secondary program. I thought all was lost until the last couple of weeks of August when I received a letter from a college, asking me to come to an info session, there were still spots left. I boogied on down there, brought everything with me. I handed it in, then proceeded to harass some poor guy named Paul at the college for the following weeks and was accepted. Now whether they just thought I was awesome, or Paul begged them, is up for debate, nevertheless I'm back in school. That's been an interesting experience. It's ignited my passion again, it seems I'm pretty good at this learning stuff, to the tune of 4.0 peeps! Not bad for the second oldest lady in class. The scary thing is, a good bunch of my classmates are technically young enough to be my own kids.
The good thing is though, those extra years of life and actually being a mother, certainly come in handy in child development classes. The learning aside, I've also been blessed to make another group of great friends, which as you know is always a bonus for me. I've got to reconnect with old friends, which has also been awesome. It's nice hanging out with someone who can predict your next move and you can predict theirs based on a long history together. And really, there is no need for fronting because they know everything! Good news is, that you also know where they've hid all their bodies too, so they can't use that shit against you.
This year hasn't been without challenges. My mom was pretty seriously injured during a routine medical procedure, it wasn't looking very good for her, thankfully, despite many crappy things I have to say about that hospital, their surgeons were pretty damned good and she's on the road to recovery. As we all predicted, she'll outlive us all. She also has quit smoking after 50+ years which has been awesome. I've had to face many personal and divorce related challenges. I've had to face some of my worst fears, but the good news I did, and it turns out, the big bad wolf wasn't so bad after all. (I sound like a Franklin story).
But overall, when looking back, I can say that 33 has seen me happier than I've been in a long time. I have a sense of personal achievement that I haven't had in years. I've been able to sort through a mega mess and tell the tale and am now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Not sure what lies there, but I know its there and that the rest of the tunnel has rest stops, Starbucks and Coach, so its all good.
I hope for the rest of you, you next year will be wonderful, full of personal achievement, plenty of friends and lots of optimism. Most of my readers are dear friends, each supporting and loving in their own unique way and I wouldn't be here with a smile on my face without you. Thank you so much and have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.
I've been thinking a lot about 33 and the past year. It's been a good year. Thirty two sucked BIG TIME! Thirty three though, it marked a shift from surviving to thriving again. I started the year off taking a drastic measure to make myself happy, it worked, and it showed me that not only did I have the courage, but the determination to be happy again. I spent a lot of time trying to get into a post secondary program. I thought all was lost until the last couple of weeks of August when I received a letter from a college, asking me to come to an info session, there were still spots left. I boogied on down there, brought everything with me. I handed it in, then proceeded to harass some poor guy named Paul at the college for the following weeks and was accepted. Now whether they just thought I was awesome, or Paul begged them, is up for debate, nevertheless I'm back in school. That's been an interesting experience. It's ignited my passion again, it seems I'm pretty good at this learning stuff, to the tune of 4.0 peeps! Not bad for the second oldest lady in class. The scary thing is, a good bunch of my classmates are technically young enough to be my own kids.
The good thing is though, those extra years of life and actually being a mother, certainly come in handy in child development classes. The learning aside, I've also been blessed to make another group of great friends, which as you know is always a bonus for me. I've got to reconnect with old friends, which has also been awesome. It's nice hanging out with someone who can predict your next move and you can predict theirs based on a long history together. And really, there is no need for fronting because they know everything! Good news is, that you also know where they've hid all their bodies too, so they can't use that shit against you.
This year hasn't been without challenges. My mom was pretty seriously injured during a routine medical procedure, it wasn't looking very good for her, thankfully, despite many crappy things I have to say about that hospital, their surgeons were pretty damned good and she's on the road to recovery. As we all predicted, she'll outlive us all. She also has quit smoking after 50+ years which has been awesome. I've had to face many personal and divorce related challenges. I've had to face some of my worst fears, but the good news I did, and it turns out, the big bad wolf wasn't so bad after all. (I sound like a Franklin story).
But overall, when looking back, I can say that 33 has seen me happier than I've been in a long time. I have a sense of personal achievement that I haven't had in years. I've been able to sort through a mega mess and tell the tale and am now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Not sure what lies there, but I know its there and that the rest of the tunnel has rest stops, Starbucks and Coach, so its all good.
I hope for the rest of you, you next year will be wonderful, full of personal achievement, plenty of friends and lots of optimism. Most of my readers are dear friends, each supporting and loving in their own unique way and I wouldn't be here with a smile on my face without you. Thank you so much and have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
My step by step guide to apologies.
Apologies are interesting things. Most people seem to think that it's words and moving on. Sometimes they are. When you bump into someone and no one is hurt, a simple "sorry" is all that is needed. Us Canadians love to apologize for that, even when someone bumps into us!
However lots of times, the offense is a little more serious than a bump. For example, if you smash someone's bumper, a simple sorry isn't going to cut it, your insurance will cover it, and you will pay through the nose with your insurance. Hurting people's feelings, sometimes a heartfelt discussion and showing someone that you are listening to their pain that you've caused is what's needed. However in order for that to happen, you actually have to listen to them and then act accordingly in the future.
I try hard not to hurt my friends and family. If I've learned I have, I make note and try never ever to do that again. A friend of mine once told me about how I hurt her feelings, this was nearly a year ago, I have since done everything in my power to avoid even straying into that territory, because I don't want to do it again. In fact I want to do the opposite and try to do so.
Apologies to me aren't simply just words. They are acts. They are the act of listening and understanding what the other person has gone through and what it has taken for them to simply be there to hear out your apology. It's about understanding and trying to avoid doing the same thing or further damage. Now I'm not saying that you should be bending over backwards because you failed to notice your sister's dogs new hairdo, but if you have genuinely hurt someone and you genuinely feel bad about it, act on that.
What is worse than not acting on it, is offering a bunch of words and the illusion that you are listening and understanding. Then re-offending. The person whom you've apologized to, is opening up, making themselves vulnerable again to you, and if you're not willing to act on it, in fact doing something that will likely hurt that person again, you've basically thrown a sucker punch.
The first part of acting on it, is realizing if you're capable of doing so. Are you capable of empathy? Do you really want to? Do you actually feel bad? Assuming the person doesn't want your head on a platter, but would like you to say not hurt their feelings again, are you capable of that? Answer yourself honestly, because if you're not, than really, either apologize and get the heck out of their lives, or just don't bother.
The second part is listening. This is a HUGE part of the apology, the main part really. If you are not willing or capable of listening to that person and how they hurt, how you've hurt them, how you may hurt them in the future, than, really, it's a waste of time. Yes, some things may be unreasonable, and now is the time to mention it, but at least if you're there, you're listening. There are about a million and one basic counseling courses you can take from any continuing education program at most post secondary institutions. These are great for teaching you how to listen. Some people can do it naturally, many need to learn.
Then act on it! Really, don't apologize, and then hurt the person again. The problem is with apologies is that it makes the person vulnerable again, they believe that you're genuinely sorry and come to a reasonable conclusion that you're going to try and make an effort to be more mindful in the future. I sometimes think it's far easier to just move on with your life, expecting never to receive an apology and fortifying yourself for that, than to have one, let your guard down a little and BOOM! So not only are your feelings hurt, but you feel stupid for not being on the defensive and expecting that this person is going to be mindful in the future. And for the person offering the apology, you just set yourself back big time, so don't do it unless you're willing to act on it. This means that you have to have empathy, have had to listen and are able to compute that "Gee, based on what X has told me, this action here, is likely to hurt them and I can easily avoid it, so I won't do it."
Anyhow, this was an early morning rant (published much later) just brought on by a bunch of things over the weekend. You can colour me disappointed, but it is a life lesson in that if I'm being apologized to, I'm going to do my darndest to suss out that the person doing so has these three things in mind.
However lots of times, the offense is a little more serious than a bump. For example, if you smash someone's bumper, a simple sorry isn't going to cut it, your insurance will cover it, and you will pay through the nose with your insurance. Hurting people's feelings, sometimes a heartfelt discussion and showing someone that you are listening to their pain that you've caused is what's needed. However in order for that to happen, you actually have to listen to them and then act accordingly in the future.
I try hard not to hurt my friends and family. If I've learned I have, I make note and try never ever to do that again. A friend of mine once told me about how I hurt her feelings, this was nearly a year ago, I have since done everything in my power to avoid even straying into that territory, because I don't want to do it again. In fact I want to do the opposite and try to do so.
Apologies to me aren't simply just words. They are acts. They are the act of listening and understanding what the other person has gone through and what it has taken for them to simply be there to hear out your apology. It's about understanding and trying to avoid doing the same thing or further damage. Now I'm not saying that you should be bending over backwards because you failed to notice your sister's dogs new hairdo, but if you have genuinely hurt someone and you genuinely feel bad about it, act on that.
What is worse than not acting on it, is offering a bunch of words and the illusion that you are listening and understanding. Then re-offending. The person whom you've apologized to, is opening up, making themselves vulnerable again to you, and if you're not willing to act on it, in fact doing something that will likely hurt that person again, you've basically thrown a sucker punch.
The first part of acting on it, is realizing if you're capable of doing so. Are you capable of empathy? Do you really want to? Do you actually feel bad? Assuming the person doesn't want your head on a platter, but would like you to say not hurt their feelings again, are you capable of that? Answer yourself honestly, because if you're not, than really, either apologize and get the heck out of their lives, or just don't bother.
The second part is listening. This is a HUGE part of the apology, the main part really. If you are not willing or capable of listening to that person and how they hurt, how you've hurt them, how you may hurt them in the future, than, really, it's a waste of time. Yes, some things may be unreasonable, and now is the time to mention it, but at least if you're there, you're listening. There are about a million and one basic counseling courses you can take from any continuing education program at most post secondary institutions. These are great for teaching you how to listen. Some people can do it naturally, many need to learn.
Then act on it! Really, don't apologize, and then hurt the person again. The problem is with apologies is that it makes the person vulnerable again, they believe that you're genuinely sorry and come to a reasonable conclusion that you're going to try and make an effort to be more mindful in the future. I sometimes think it's far easier to just move on with your life, expecting never to receive an apology and fortifying yourself for that, than to have one, let your guard down a little and BOOM! So not only are your feelings hurt, but you feel stupid for not being on the defensive and expecting that this person is going to be mindful in the future. And for the person offering the apology, you just set yourself back big time, so don't do it unless you're willing to act on it. This means that you have to have empathy, have had to listen and are able to compute that "Gee, based on what X has told me, this action here, is likely to hurt them and I can easily avoid it, so I won't do it."
Anyhow, this was an early morning rant (published much later) just brought on by a bunch of things over the weekend. You can colour me disappointed, but it is a life lesson in that if I'm being apologized to, I'm going to do my darndest to suss out that the person doing so has these three things in mind.
Monday, November 12, 2012
A year? A YEAR???
It's hard to imagine in so many ways that I've been with my wonderful boyfriend for a year now. In some ways, it's just flown by and I've barely noticed, in other ways, it's like we've been together forever because he can take one look at my face and deduce the wheels are turning for good or bad.
How do you summarize a relationship in a blog post? I'm having troubles. Lets put it this way, last November, I kissed a man, someone I instinctually felt safe with, who I knew would never hurt me intentionally. I would always be able to trust him, not from some romantic point of view, but that his character would not allow for him to behaviour dishonourably to me. I knew right away that I wanted to be exclusive with him. I was terrified, absolutely terrified. The last time I had started a relationship, I was 14. I had no self confidence, I was convinced that my lack of self esteem and being on guard would drive him away. I called my mom weekly it seemed in tears telling her I wasn't ready for this. My insecurity led to this need to be reassured constantly. How the man is still sane is a mystery. Being accepted for who I am, neurotic tendencies and all is also strange. The baggage, the insecurities, the swearing, the size 14 body, it's all taken in, along with all the good that is me. And it's not only just words and baubles, its backed up with actions.
Despite all of this, the walls came down. It is a strange thing when logic is telling you to stop being a scared ninny, there is NOTHING to be afraid of, and the scared ninny Joys running around in my head were making more "sky is falling" proclamations than you'd hear at a GOP convention. When my insecurity isn't running this ship, there is little more that I am confident in than his love for me, and my ability to trust him. That in itself is such a strange feeling. While I loved my husband when married, trust was never high, I don't know if that was a self fulfilling prophecy or just my Spidey Sense tingling, but my fears were validated in spades. So being able to trust so completely is very new for me, and insanely new 1 year ago.
He's tall, dark and handsome. He kills bugs and reaches high things. He adores my boys and they adore him. They get jealous when I get to see him and they do not. He's sweet and gentle, we are opposite in so many ways, but somehow being able to cut through all of that to realize that we have the same values, and he has an amazing character that I've yet to hear one person fault him for. Something he is proud of, and should be. Our values are simple, but they are important to us and the fact that we've found someone who shares them is beyond lucky, and I'm forever grateful for that.
I laugh again, I enjoy things I haven't in a long time. I love play fighting, tickling with my mate, I love kissing again, I don't like being in his proximity without being snuggled up to him. He texts me every day we don't see each other just to let me know he's thinking of me, it's a small thing, but I cannot tell you how monumental it is. I don't feel taken for granted. We cook and work together. I learn things from him, he learns things from me. I'm allowed to get sick or have surgery and I'll be shooed to bed, despite my best efforts to take over. We bring out good things in each other, our opposites making influences on our ways of life.We have fun with the kids, they have fun with us. They see me happy again, laughing, being silly, despite being just as exhausted and overstressed as I was when I was married. I'm a different person, a better person, for them and myself and that wouldn't be possible without my boyfriend. This has been a fantastic year, and I cannot wait for the many more to come.
How do you summarize a relationship in a blog post? I'm having troubles. Lets put it this way, last November, I kissed a man, someone I instinctually felt safe with, who I knew would never hurt me intentionally. I would always be able to trust him, not from some romantic point of view, but that his character would not allow for him to behaviour dishonourably to me. I knew right away that I wanted to be exclusive with him. I was terrified, absolutely terrified. The last time I had started a relationship, I was 14. I had no self confidence, I was convinced that my lack of self esteem and being on guard would drive him away. I called my mom weekly it seemed in tears telling her I wasn't ready for this. My insecurity led to this need to be reassured constantly. How the man is still sane is a mystery. Being accepted for who I am, neurotic tendencies and all is also strange. The baggage, the insecurities, the swearing, the size 14 body, it's all taken in, along with all the good that is me. And it's not only just words and baubles, its backed up with actions.
Despite all of this, the walls came down. It is a strange thing when logic is telling you to stop being a scared ninny, there is NOTHING to be afraid of, and the scared ninny Joys running around in my head were making more "sky is falling" proclamations than you'd hear at a GOP convention. When my insecurity isn't running this ship, there is little more that I am confident in than his love for me, and my ability to trust him. That in itself is such a strange feeling. While I loved my husband when married, trust was never high, I don't know if that was a self fulfilling prophecy or just my Spidey Sense tingling, but my fears were validated in spades. So being able to trust so completely is very new for me, and insanely new 1 year ago.
He's tall, dark and handsome. He kills bugs and reaches high things. He adores my boys and they adore him. They get jealous when I get to see him and they do not. He's sweet and gentle, we are opposite in so many ways, but somehow being able to cut through all of that to realize that we have the same values, and he has an amazing character that I've yet to hear one person fault him for. Something he is proud of, and should be. Our values are simple, but they are important to us and the fact that we've found someone who shares them is beyond lucky, and I'm forever grateful for that.
I laugh again, I enjoy things I haven't in a long time. I love play fighting, tickling with my mate, I love kissing again, I don't like being in his proximity without being snuggled up to him. He texts me every day we don't see each other just to let me know he's thinking of me, it's a small thing, but I cannot tell you how monumental it is. I don't feel taken for granted. We cook and work together. I learn things from him, he learns things from me. I'm allowed to get sick or have surgery and I'll be shooed to bed, despite my best efforts to take over. We bring out good things in each other, our opposites making influences on our ways of life.We have fun with the kids, they have fun with us. They see me happy again, laughing, being silly, despite being just as exhausted and overstressed as I was when I was married. I'm a different person, a better person, for them and myself and that wouldn't be possible without my boyfriend. This has been a fantastic year, and I cannot wait for the many more to come.
Who are you calling fatass?
Okay, I was called a fatass on the streetcar last week. I promptly filed that under "so important, I forgot about it for 5 days", but it is interesting for social commentary. My English professor, would die if she saw this, because it has a hell of a lot of repetition.
I am a fatass. I'm a size 14, I take up my fair share of space, especially when loaded with a wool winter coat (which is fabulous by the way, EVERYONE loves this coat) and a backpack...not so fabulous, but since Coach doesn't make a backpack to accommodate my schoolwork, I'm SOL. But that isn't what makes me a fatass. What makes me a fatass, is that I'm unapologetic about it.
People in today's society seem to treat plus sized people like we don't deserve space. That since we're fat, it's our own fault and therefore, it sucks to be us. So if we should happen to ask politely that you, yanno actually move out of your aisle seat, so I can vacate mine, without caving your head in from my backpack, basically, you get to call me a fatass under your breath for the inconvenience.
I am at the smaller end of the spectrum of fatasses, so I imagine that in a society where thinner is better, people who aren't, and who have the audacity to think that they are still deserving of respect, are treated pretty shabbily.
I may be a fatass, but I'm a fatass who works and loves hard. This fatass has a legion of awesome friends, all of whom would be willing to smack said woman on the streetcar if I asked. Not everyone has that, not nearly enough people. So essentially, I'm a fatass who is loved. I love people. I like to help people, my life has been spent in social services and being a fatass mother, who has some pretty freaking awesome boys for all my efforts. I'm a fatass who has gone through hell the past two years, and has come out the other side saying "Is that all you got?" As my peers get to know me at school, they are astounded by all I have gone through and still manage to walk on with a smile on my face. Fatass has a great family, the bills paid, food on the table, two awesome cats and amazing hair. I'm a pretty darn smart fatass, or at least my school seems to think so, I'm sitting around a 90% average, and that's after missing 3 weeks of school to take care of a very very sick mother and kids. Fatass also has a fantastic boyfriend, who by the way, loves her fat ass.
But you know what is best about this fatass? I'm a happy fatass. I don't need to call someone a derogatory name based on their body because of a nanosecond of having to move a bit. I don't feel the need to try and shame someone like that. I don't like going out and trying to hurt people and I can't imagine people who do, are very happy people. I'm confident. I'm proud of myself, I may have body image issues, but one thing that is not lacking in my body is strength because it keeps getting up after everyone smackdown. So I'm not going to be ashamed of it. I'm not going to apologize for taking up space, because I'm a good and deserving person, and if that offends you, or somehow threatens you and your very narrow view of body image, what is proper, what is correct for a plus sized woman, well, you know what you can kiss, and lucky for you, I have plenty of it!
I am a fatass. I'm a size 14, I take up my fair share of space, especially when loaded with a wool winter coat (which is fabulous by the way, EVERYONE loves this coat) and a backpack...not so fabulous, but since Coach doesn't make a backpack to accommodate my schoolwork, I'm SOL. But that isn't what makes me a fatass. What makes me a fatass, is that I'm unapologetic about it.
People in today's society seem to treat plus sized people like we don't deserve space. That since we're fat, it's our own fault and therefore, it sucks to be us. So if we should happen to ask politely that you, yanno actually move out of your aisle seat, so I can vacate mine, without caving your head in from my backpack, basically, you get to call me a fatass under your breath for the inconvenience.
I am at the smaller end of the spectrum of fatasses, so I imagine that in a society where thinner is better, people who aren't, and who have the audacity to think that they are still deserving of respect, are treated pretty shabbily.
I may be a fatass, but I'm a fatass who works and loves hard. This fatass has a legion of awesome friends, all of whom would be willing to smack said woman on the streetcar if I asked. Not everyone has that, not nearly enough people. So essentially, I'm a fatass who is loved. I love people. I like to help people, my life has been spent in social services and being a fatass mother, who has some pretty freaking awesome boys for all my efforts. I'm a fatass who has gone through hell the past two years, and has come out the other side saying "Is that all you got?" As my peers get to know me at school, they are astounded by all I have gone through and still manage to walk on with a smile on my face. Fatass has a great family, the bills paid, food on the table, two awesome cats and amazing hair. I'm a pretty darn smart fatass, or at least my school seems to think so, I'm sitting around a 90% average, and that's after missing 3 weeks of school to take care of a very very sick mother and kids. Fatass also has a fantastic boyfriend, who by the way, loves her fat ass.
But you know what is best about this fatass? I'm a happy fatass. I don't need to call someone a derogatory name based on their body because of a nanosecond of having to move a bit. I don't feel the need to try and shame someone like that. I don't like going out and trying to hurt people and I can't imagine people who do, are very happy people. I'm confident. I'm proud of myself, I may have body image issues, but one thing that is not lacking in my body is strength because it keeps getting up after everyone smackdown. So I'm not going to be ashamed of it. I'm not going to apologize for taking up space, because I'm a good and deserving person, and if that offends you, or somehow threatens you and your very narrow view of body image, what is proper, what is correct for a plus sized woman, well, you know what you can kiss, and lucky for you, I have plenty of it!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Can't think of a title
my mom is in the icu, my son is at home with pneumonia. Thankfully he is not in serious condition, though disturbingly lethargic, my mom however is in serious condition.
I'm bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball. I'm nursing my own infection, I try not to touch my mom. The stress kills my appetite and I spend much of the time shaking, whether that is because of low blood sugar or stress, I don't know.
I'm exhausted. I haven't slept a full night in I don't know how long. And when I hit the bed, I'm overcome with emotion and spend another hour crying, feeling guilty, feeling overwhelmed. Last night I had a moment where I was sobbing and mid sob, I just stopped. It was a very strange sense of calmness. It's like part of my brain took over and shut down all emotion.
It's funny, I was fine until my tipping point came in the form of a letter froma professor requiring proof that my mom is in the icu. I lost my shit and just started crying.
I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that this process is taking so long. I hate myself that I can't spend as much time with my son as I want to, as he needs me. I'm angry that the only people here are me and my support. It makes me feel very blessed and very alone at the same time.
I cry when people are kind to me, even the cheerful cashier. I cried when my former inlaws upon hearing showed up at my door rolling up their sleeves to help, despite being seriously germ phobic. I cry when my boyfriend brings me some water, when my bestie sits beside me with my mom knitting. I cry at the sacrifices people have made and are prepared to make.
This is rambling, but I have to get it out. I know it's very self centred, but that is the point. I've gotten a brief moment while my mom is getting an arterial line in because they can no longer draw blood the conventional way. Now it's time to multitask again.
I'm bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball. I'm nursing my own infection, I try not to touch my mom. The stress kills my appetite and I spend much of the time shaking, whether that is because of low blood sugar or stress, I don't know.
I'm exhausted. I haven't slept a full night in I don't know how long. And when I hit the bed, I'm overcome with emotion and spend another hour crying, feeling guilty, feeling overwhelmed. Last night I had a moment where I was sobbing and mid sob, I just stopped. It was a very strange sense of calmness. It's like part of my brain took over and shut down all emotion.
It's funny, I was fine until my tipping point came in the form of a letter froma professor requiring proof that my mom is in the icu. I lost my shit and just started crying.
I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that this process is taking so long. I hate myself that I can't spend as much time with my son as I want to, as he needs me. I'm angry that the only people here are me and my support. It makes me feel very blessed and very alone at the same time.
I cry when people are kind to me, even the cheerful cashier. I cried when my former inlaws upon hearing showed up at my door rolling up their sleeves to help, despite being seriously germ phobic. I cry when my boyfriend brings me some water, when my bestie sits beside me with my mom knitting. I cry at the sacrifices people have made and are prepared to make.
This is rambling, but I have to get it out. I know it's very self centred, but that is the point. I've gotten a brief moment while my mom is getting an arterial line in because they can no longer draw blood the conventional way. Now it's time to multitask again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)