Toronto Pride 2016 Equality for all...wait....

*Phone rings*

"Oh hey, establishment, I'm glad I caught you, how are you?

Oh wow, that's great! Glad to hear everyone is doing well, listen, I'm afraid my group of people aren't too happy with the way you are treating us, we've discussed it, and we've decided we need to protest.

So I wanted to try to book in a time where it would be convenient for you. How about next Tuesday....no? You've a Scrabble tournament? Wednesday...oh, that would indeed interrupt you. 

Next Saturday? That sounds good, thank you so much for allowing us to protest!"

SAID NO ACTIVIST EVER!!!!

So in my lovely hometown of Toronto, we have had our Pride celebrations. To commemorate those who have protested for rights, those who still do, those who have died and to provide an opportunity to celebrate your identity within the LGBTQ community. It's wonderful right? I'm lucky enough to live in a place where not only the Mayor of Toronto, the Premier of Ontario and the Prime Minister of Canada come out to support Pride. It sends a messages to millions that this is a place where we continually working on and pushing forward on rights and safeties for people of this community. It's far from perfect and there is still a long way to go, but compared to other parts of the world, it's pretty groovy.

So festivities in full tilt, the parade is halted by the Black Lives Matter movement.

Shortly after people lost their shit. Some of the comments when along the lines of "how dare you! I had to wait in the sun for the parade!!" "You should have protested this earlier!" (Behind closed doors). “You are only allowed here as invited guests!” “ALL LIVES MATTER!!!!” “What a disgrace to your people!” “Go fight black on black crime!” “You’re racists” “We all know that black people hate homosexuals” “You guys are thugs” “I used to support Black Lives Matter, but not anymore!” “How can we take you seriously when you are using slang” All of these are paraphrased things I’ve seen on my newsfeed this morning.

So here’s the thing, LGBTQ community, as far as equality for non-white people in this community, you need to step it up. Like big time, and what sucks about that big time is that it has to be said. Shortly after the Orlando massacre, I cannot tell you how many white LGBT people took to the Internet to condemn Muslims and “their way of life” Meanwhile, as usual, Muslim groups went into hyper drive to prove they’re not evil and showed solidarity in so many gracious acts despite the vile things being thrown their way.

People of colour are regularly erased from LGBTQ spaces. It’s happened with this protest! all people see is black people protesting, but has it occurred to them that they may be LGBTQ black people? And they may have some grievances inside the community? Is that allowed? I mean, it would be hilarious illustration of POC erasure in the community if it weren't so sad.

See, if you are part of a community and pride yourself as being inclusive, that means you’re going to have to include people of colour more regularly. You have to examine boards of directors and supervisors and ask yourself, why they are largely white in a city where people of colour are the majority. You’re going to have to answer tough questions about why you think the established way is the best way. You’re going to be asked to examine your alliances with groups long criticized for being racist. And much to Pride Toronto’s credit, they were asked and they answered.

There is this thing called intersectionality, it’s a wild concept, it outlines the possibility that even if you are from a marginalized community, you still may have power, and you may be marginalizing other communities. Many people are shocked to hear this, many people push back against the idea, but it happens, regularly! You have a white gay male and a black straight male punch a police officer, guess which one is more likely to be seriously hurt? You have a male straight south Asian dude and a white lesbian women competing for a job, guess who is more likely to get paid roughly 25% less, but then that dude may have a harder time getting his foot in the door because the name on his resume may be "too ethnic". You can be a minority and still benefit from a system in place that marginalizes people based on race, gender, class, religion, ethnicity, immigration status and so many more AND sexual orientation.

Repeat after me, because you are a marginalized group, you do not get a free pass in marginalizing others and still be considered inclusive.  

I’m sorry your parade was marred by people wanting equal rights within the community, what a terrible thing to do! Sorry that this interruption for equality disturbs you so much, (in a parade for equality). I get it, we can only march for certain people’s equality and not look within our own borders.  

Protests are never convenient, they’re not supposed to be. They’re there to draw attention to a problem, they’re there to be controversial, to say that there is something wrong with the status quo and if you’re going to let the fact that you were inconvenienced by what? A half hour, you need to think back ten, twenty, thirty or forty years ago when people were criticizing Pride for the exact same reasons you are criticizing Black Lives Matter.

Parenting while being non-white

So I'm about to piss a lot of people off. However I've been thinking about it and discussing it in circles with various friends from different backgrounds and we've had similar observations. In the past year I've been doing my university diligence on Indigenous kids in care, and how they represent nearly half the kids in care in Canada and how this is alarming since the Indigenous population as a whole in itself represents a little piece (I think 4.3%). Likewise, a friend of mine has been researching black kids in care in the Greater Toronto Area and had similar findings. I did a quick looksee into American stats, and not surprisingly, they were similar.

So, I've been reflecting on the tragic death of the little boy in Florida due to an alligator and the almost tragedy of that little boy in Cinncinati. Both are terrible accidents the result of a choice of parents who at the time were doing their very best I'm sure. I think both are accidents, they may have been preventable, but as a parent, shit happens and I get that, a decision was made and it snowballed into horrible consequences. I guess what I'm saying is that I view them both equally in terms of accountability.

However, the media had painted these families in two different lights. (I'm not talking about comments sections) One family was pretty much vilified, the other garnered sympathy. One family has the past dug up on dad's criminal background, the other has not.

I sit back and reflect upon how much society views black and Indigenous parents as inferior and how it goes so much beyond two stories. These kids are over represented in care, not because they are more abused, but many of them are apprehended for "neglect" as their parents are living in poverty and may leave them unsupervised to go to work, or they're wearing super hand me downs. In many cases, agencies and advocates of marginalized people across Canada and the US are calling out these agencies and why they have such disproportionate kids in care. A poor kid living with a loving family doesn't need a foster home, they need resources, which these care agencies can either provide or facilitate, but time and again, these children are removed from their homes, communities and placed hundreds of miles away from people who love them, because "well-meaning" workers still view these families through a lens of superiority.

But the bottom line is, that people belonging to black and Indigenous communities are seen as inferior parents, and the minute they slip up, it's because they have a criminal background, or drugs, or abuse. The fact is that two families had terrible accidents but one family is largely given the benefit of the doubt and the other was not is indicative of a larger problem.

I welcome comments, but please keep them in the framework of we are discussing how the MEDIA is handling this and how society at large thinks of families from racialized backgrounds. If you think there is no such thing as racism or how dare I bring race into this, just don't, I didn't create the system, I'm pointing out how two families were treated differently by it. If you're tempted to tell me now is not the time to talk about this, I'm asking when? Is there ever a good time? People are being killed because the colour of their skin is different, it's never going to be a comfortable conversation. 

How does it come to this?

So I woke up from a lovely sleep after being up north recovering from an insane week. I woke up in the morning to enjoy a rare cup of coffee while my children were still asleep, signed on to read the news and like make woke up to the fact that a massacre occurred in a nightclub in Orlando. The people committing these horrible crimes usually have some sort of hateful justification, in this case, the targets and victims were gay. As the day goes on I have tasks to carry out, but check in when I can and see the death count rise, honestly though, one is too many.

We sit and ask ourselves how does it come to this. I actually had some thoughts around this when people ask themselves how Donald Trump with all his racist rhetoric gets to become a nominee for the leader of the USA. Sure we can blame extremists, or racists and pat ourselves on the back for not being that extreme and even though we may never pick up a weapon to cause harm to others, or vote a terrible person into power, we still have our roles.

Every time we let that joke fly by, or let cousin Eddy say something terrible and you don't speak up, or you for some reason feel the need to separate into us and them over an issue. You know, when you have those little statuses or complaints about "those people", "Real Canadians", "Our way of life", "Political correctness", "Hating the sin" or any complaints about "perverts" in washrooms. I'm guilty for staying silent when I should say something in "order to keep the peace".

You see, all of us different people aren't complaining and fighting and raising hell for the sake of hearing our own voices. I'd rather be doing anything than reflecting on the senseless deaths of so many people because of who they were attracted to. I'd rather be doing anything, than watching my Muslim friends make a point of saying how they are not associated with this guy. This isn't something we "Social Justice Warriors" enjoy, I feel terrible, I'm scared and sad and angry.

I'm also going to tell you that these little negative gems, are the seeds of this much greater problem. You say these little things, not really thinking about the larger picture, just that you're scared that the status quo may change, and like ripples on water it fuels other little comments, and more comments, and bigger and nastier comments, and thoughts, beliefs and values. You get people like Trump who is now validating all those little comments and thoughts. Or people like Mateen who just cuts to the chase and eliminates lives as he sees fit.

See what you don't get, is that there is power in what you say and it affects others. Words inspire, why else do we listen to speeches or sermons, read books or listen to music? You say, they are simply your opinion and you have a right to say them no matter how ugly they are. Indeed you do, but I'm going to tell you that those words, those thoughts are ugly and point out that they are a small cog in a big problem.

So where does this leave us...comments about those people, real Canadians, our way of life, all of them are related to change. Ask yourself, has your life REALLY been negatively impacted because LGBTQ people are slowly being protected by laws? Don't like that a same sex couple can adopt a child? I bet that child is pretty happy they have a family now. Don't like that they have sex...I really can't see how that impacts you. Has it been negatively impacted because people have immigrated to your country? Didn't get that job? Well maybe it has more to do with your qualifications than the colour of someone else's skin. Has it been impacted because someone whom you deem as uncacceptable as your gender, is in your washroom? You're there to pee,  so are they, get on with it.

Now ask yourself, do you have anything in common with people in these groups? You laugh, you cry, you poop, you eat. Language not being a barrier, you can strike up a conversation with almost anyone about what their favourite food or song or animal is. Is your discomfort with some change worth saying something hurtful about someone who you probably have more in common with than you think?

So how do we get Mateens and Trumps? As much as it is because we don't speak up and we don't oppose hate vigorously enough, it's also because we speak "little negative things" against groups of people or we let them slide, its because we fail to see the humanity in each other and value thoughts and institutions that maintain the status quo over a fellow person. How whack is that? Think about it, "I have this beliefs that prevents me from seeing this person as someone deserving dignity, compassion and respect". What does that say about that belief?

I tried to leave this post on a positive note, but it all sounds trite and really, I'm not feeling positive, nor should I, I doubt many who have a strong dislike for hate are feeling too positive right now. All I'm going to say is that your little words, are part of a very big problem and when that big problem erupts, a lot more than feelings or rights get hurt.

My Beauty Hopes

So I came across this photo on the Facebook page of Healthy is the New Skinny 

I shared this response that I'd like to just post here so I can come back to it over and over again whenever I'm feeling ugly. Sorry for the weird formatting, I'm getting back into the saddle and for some reason it doesn't want to justify LEFT!!!!

"This is so true, I know it and at times I feel it, and I would wholeheartedly tell anyone that they are beautiful even those they are outside the beauty standard and be 100% genuine.

But for myself, it is a constant struggle to internalize the feeling that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and most importantly from within. There will be glimpses when I look at myself and for a split second see a beautiful women and then all the programming takes over and then the "if only I could lose..." "If I didn't have these wrinkles..." "I wish my hair..."

I could have whatever creating force is out there tell me that I am the ideal definition of beauty and I'd still say "but I'd be better looking if I lost a few pounds right?" 

How sad is that, that despite being a strong minded vibrant woman who would gladly eviscerate any argument that women outside the media's image aren't attractive, on behalf of all women and men, that I cannot apply that to myself. How deep the message has gone that even with all my strength and stubbornness and wisdom I cannot still see my body as a soft curvy reminder of a life well lived, overcoming struggle and still supple enough to bend. That I cannot see these lines for every reflective moment, brilliant thought, survived trauma or wonderful bliss. That I cannot see these grey hairs for the sparkly reminder that I am getting older but I am still here, with purpose and with people who are on this journey with me. 

I promise myself over and over again that "no more!" I will not succumb to the evil poison the media has fed me. If I can see the beauty in women who are fat, thin, old, young, hairy, bald, with long legs or none at all, curly or straight hair, and every skin shade imaginable, I should be able to see it in myself. It lasts for a little bit, but like smoke, those evil messages seep through the cracks in my armor and I find myself staring at the mirror poking myself, smoothing out imperfections, wondering when my beauty will fade so dramatically that I won't be worthy of love anymore.

This is what these messages have done to me, and it is a constant fight to overcome them daily and feel confident enough to dress in anything other than baggy clothes or to go out without makeup or without my hair perfectly done. It's like an illness I have to fight daily in order to be whole with myself again so that I can focus on the task at hand, my friends and family, hell...life! 

I hope someday some wisdom untapped will finally kick in and kick out all those negative messages. To be able to look at myself and reflect on what I have done, rather than focus on what "society" deems as imperfection. I want to be that crone who is wise, proud, wrinkled and beautiful someday and just know it and share it and hopefully inspire someone like me who still has some much beauty left untapped."

To the Fathers of my Son's Future Partners...Don't threaten my boys

My oldest is ten years old now, so this is creeping up on me. He told me a while back he had a crush on a girl and while I did all my squealing and my son promptly left the room, I started to think about romance when you're young. I remembered the delirious highs and the soul crushing lows and started to worry about his little heart being broken and I get it, I get the instinct to protect one's young from harm. Believe me, I'm a Mamabear and proud of it, but there are some harms he is going to have to face that I cannot protect him from.

Your fear as a father protecting your young goes beyond a broken heart, I get that too. Totally. I am all over the rape culture society has and the dangers for women, particularly in intimate relationship. I have a diploma to prove it. I fear for the young women I work with when they talk about stupid things their partners say or feel entitled to. I want to somehow magically transplant at least some of the wisdom and entitlement I have as a woman to be safe in an intimate relationship. But as a worker, I can only do much and I try very hard to make sure that even from my position, they have the knowledge to be safe.

Pretty shitty world we live in when we feel like we have to do that to keep our girls safe. I won't deny the nature of society and that it leads to a belief that men are entitled to women's bodies. However I don't believe all men are stupid enough to think this way. Are teenage boys flowing with hormones? Most likely in most cases. Does this lead towards sexual activity? It can, because girls and women have hormones too. Does this lead to girls and women being raped? No.

Sexual activity and rape are two different things. Lets get rape out of the way. My boys are not being raised to think that "boys will be boys" is okay. They are not being raised to think that the best way to get a girl's attention is to be mean to her or call her names, or pull her bra straps. They are not being raised where it is acceptable to resort to physical violence.They are not being raised where it is acceptable to ridicule or berate or make someone feel unsafe mentally or emotionally. They are not being raised where they will not being accountable for their actions. All of this starts at home, in a loving environment where everyone is respected, even children. Does this mean they are undisciplined? Oh god no, I'm a pretty strict parent when it comes to behaviour expectations, and it shows. But I'm also a loving mom who basically believes in the golden rule. I'm happy to report so far, other than incessant squabbling between them, it seems to be working.

Oh, in case it wasn't clear, I'm a feminist too. If you're rolling your eyes, I'm confused because who better to raise respectful men, and don't you want that for your daughter?

So let me tell you something, if I caught any of my boys acting like a misogynistic, entitled brats, the wrath of Mom is almost as scary as the wrath of Mamabear. So with that being said, don't threaten my boys if they are dating your daughter. Seriously, don't. My boys aren't going to rape your daughter, and you are fully encouraged to respectfully interrogate them (I'll be doing the same, don't worry), through that you will (hopefully) understand that they aren't going to bring that kind of harm to your daughter.

Will they break her heart? Maybe, maybe she will break their hearts. I will be working tirelessly to make sure that while relationships may not work out, they still need to be respectful and compassionate. Essentially, I'm trying to teach my boys not to cheat or be mean when ending a relationship. I truly hope you are doing the same thing.

Will they have sex...I know, you're shuddering, so am I, believe me, they're my babies. But I'm also realistic and that is a possibility. As such, I will be teaching them the importance of doing so in a respectful, compassionate and most important consensual manner.

If you are inclined to threaten my boys because of this, I've got news for you, you do not own your daughter's body and that is exactly the kind of attitude that feeds into rape culture. So as a woman, as a counsellor for abused women, as a child and youth worker, stop, and challenge your own thinking about that. You are no more entitled to have say what she does with her body than anybody else. As a Mamabear, just don't, because you are crossing a line that you would not be okay with if I threatened harm on your daughter, so you show the same amount of respect and we should get on fine. Don't assume the worst right off the bat and start what could be a positive relationship with the threat of violence.

Dear fathers, I truly, deeply understand the urge to protect your young. You have invested a lot of time instilling values, raising them well, loving them and hopefully passing on some wisdom, I've done the same. You will be able to tell this by sitting down with my kids for 15 minutes and talking to them. So what I ask is that you respect my kid, respect your kid, respect that you've done your job and respect that I'm doing my job and we should all get on fine.

On Being Controversial

To look at me, you'll see a pretty friendly looking, mother of three great kids, student and happy go lucky person. I have a nice house on a quiet suburban street, I have a great partner, lots of friends, nice family, pets, a flower garden. Additionally, a strong student (so long as there is no math involved), will go out of my way to help others, will pick up a $20 bill at a sports arena and find it's owner instead of putting it towards overpriced concessions, overall a nice person. You wouldn't be wrong, but I'm also a bisexual woman who has mixed ancestry of black, native and white. I'm also a feminist...and a socialist, I'm divorced (I don't hate men, I quite like the smart ones) somewhere in between "regular sized" and "plus sized", I have funky hair and a big mouth.

This puts me in an awkward position as a Canadian woman. Canadians in general do not like to talk about racism, sexism, Islamophobia, transphobia...well basically that doesn't paint us in the rosy light where we accept everyone and no one is racist, we are so beyond that! We have multiculturalism in our constitution and we were part of the Underground Railroad *chest all puffy*. White Canadians especially do not want to talk about these topics because they are uncomfortable for them a lot of the time. I can get it to a degree. I have no disability, I am cisgender, I am light skinned and have "good hair" and there have been times I've been asked to examine my privilege or make changes that feel different to me or that I was inadvertently being oppressive, it's not a good place, however sometimes shit just has to be said.

I have white friends and family and as I've become more vocal in examining race and racism in a Canadian context, my Facebook friends list has been decreasing in numbers as far as those white friends and family are concerned. Or they write to me "Why do you have to be so controversial?" or "Why are you so angry??" They wield angry around like it's supposed to be a kill switch "maybe if I call her angry, she'll stop" after all, who wants to be the angry sensitive person of colour. But the fact of the matter is, I am angry, I have this overwhelming urge right now as a Canadian to apologize for this, but no, it's okay to be angry.

Things are not okay. Things are in bad shape even in this day and age. Even in Canada.

We have police forces who routinely target black males for carding, they also routinely target Indigenous males for harassment. They won't release race based statistics on who they are arresting, or killing and that makes me wonder why.

We have people living in reservations with no clean drinking water, for reals. Come on, really? It's not like we have a lack of water. The government has no money to provide proper infrastructure? Or they have no say when an industry decides to pollute the water upstream?

We have children who are targeted by security agencies whilst flying as terrorists. Someone told me it was the price we had to pay for freedom. I don't know about other people, but I don't consider screening six year old children freedom, nor do I feel safer in the air.

I can go on for decades, hence the point of this blog, so I have to pace myself.

Oh Joy, but it's not all white people. You would be right. It's not. I have plenty of friends who are there fighting the good fight, some expected as they are deep into social justice, there are those who are simply going through life, look at a crappy situation and say that's not cool and then there are those who insist the status quo is just skippy. But here is the deal, you don't have to actively be holding a burning cross or making caricatures to be participating in this awful system. When you dismiss someone as too angry, when you say "pulling the race card", when you justify shitty race based experiences that people of colour are talking about, when you railroad that discussion by saying "not all white people, I'm not like that", you aren't helping any. Because what you really want to say is "not me!!!" and by jumping into that discussion and saying "not me!" you are trying to change an important discourse and make it about your feelings, not cool. And what really pisses me off is the entitlement behind that.

So friends, family, Canada, I'm sorry (no I'm not, just trying to be Canadian) I'm angry about this. I'm still the same person, however this is a topic near and dear to me because it's my very identity and that of many people whom I love, and we are being targeted because of it. You may see things you disagree with and by all means, engage me, I'll be civil, but I will be passionate, and I'm asking you to suck it up if you do. I'm going to break free from the non-controversial mode and start pushing these topics, they need to be pushed and I'm not afraid of being labeled angry or sensitive or playing the race card because those are pretty pathetic ways to shut me up and if you ask my mother, there is no shutting me up, I personally blame her parenting for that problem.

I've noticed we are entering a new era where people are connecting on these issues and forcing these topics to the table and by golly, I want to help, so fair warning, welcome to my blog, beware of controversy.

The NDP is No Longer My NDP

I wrote a letter today to the Thomas Muclair to express my shock and disappointment with it's silence on the human rights violation in Gaza. I'm sharing it with you guys today.

Dear Mr. Muclair

I am a lifelong NDP supporter. I was first introduced to this party when I was in my teens. I grew up in Regent Park in Toronto which was a marginalized community at the time, isolated from the rest of the city by an invisible wall of discrimination and disinformation. I had a (then) Metro councillor who was always skilled at thinking out of the box to advocate for us residents and more importantly, to teach us how to advocate for ourselves. I soon learned that he was a member of the NDP party and was truly committed to making the lives of people better, not only in my small community, but the country if not the world. He soon gave my mother a job in his office where we learned more. He found resources so that I as a youth and many others could be employed and not lured by other temptations. He was good friends with my partner at the time and throughout the years, this person taught me that NDP stood up for social justice, even in times where it was uncomfortable to do so. Many other members confirmed that for me. If you haven’t figured out who by now, that person was Jack Layton. Through the years, my family and he stayed connected, whether it was running for leadership, being involved in the White Ribbon Campaign, or simply sitting around a table with his guitar, a good bottle of wine and lots of music. When he died, I felt like a big piece of what it meant to be NDP died with him. I of course, dismissed that as being melodramatic, but the last year, I now wonder.

With the provincial elections in Ontario and Andrea Horvath’s pandering for votes, forgetting those who need representation the most, to the silence, stunning silence of the NDP on the whole topic of Gaza, which is my primary reason for voting today. I’m not Muslim, or Jewish. I am simply a member of the United Church of Canada, again, another organization who has, stood up and boycotted unjust nations and communities based on their actions disregarding human rights and life. I work with children and youth, am a mother of three and am not involved in an NGO or even claim to be the most savvy about foreign affairs, but I’m intelligent enough to see the numbers before my eyes and footage and words from journalists using social media to bring this injustice to the world.

I am shocked, I keep waiting for the NDP to sound off on this very important matter. I know Jack has spoken up for far far less, and yet silence. He has refused to budge when criticised for his advocacy, which landed him in another pot of hot water, but it was Jack Layton and he managed it with his usual grace, wit, style and dedication to a larger picture. Where is this party that represents the marginalized? Those who are progressive and care about the marginalized? People are dying, wrongly. There are 2 million people trapped in a place about the size of Scarborough and North York combined. They are being fired upon like fish in a barrel. Why in heavens name are we not speaking up about this? I cannot elaborate enough on how shocked I am that this party is silent on this issue. I am ashamed that no one has said anything. This is not an act of diplomacy, it’s cowardice. It may not be a popular opinion in some circles, but claiming to be a party for social justice means that you won’t be popular all the time. Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, they ruffled feathers, they hurt feelings, but they stayed committed to social justice and I was raised on an NDP that was too.

I now think that Jack Layton might have been an end of an era. He brought Canadians together, not based on watering down our message or beliefs, but because he showed more people how important they were and how strongly we were going to fight for that. I now see that our leaders are unclear on that message and it’s a shame, it’s sad. We have the opportunity, and the moral duty to speak out about this. An estimated 80% of the casualties in Gaza are civilians, children, the disabled, the elderly. If the party that is supposed to be for social justice is quiet, then yes, I do fear that a significant part of the NDP has died with Jack and while many of its members speak out on their own against this human rights atrocity, our party remains silent.

I will close with a memory I have. I once attended a forum in downtown Toronto with Bill Clinton and George W. Bush. The question was posed to the former presidents about regrets that they had during their presidency. Needless to say Bush had none, but I watched as Bill Clinton, after thoughtful reflection, nearly broke down on stage saying how much he regretted not doing anything when the Rwandan genocide was being committed. He mentioned that he based his inaction on it not being a popular or strategic decision and really in the end, nobody cared, so he did little to nothing. I will not be that man, I am not the leader of one of the most powerful nations on the planet, but myself and many others of this party who still believe in social justice will take action, even if the party we chose to represent us will not.

I truly hope you take the time to look at this issue beyond politics, beyond religion, beyond what is popular and see it for what it is. Shooting fish in a barrel trying to kill a few worms. Except these fish are people with hopes and dreams, they marry, they go to school, they cheer for their football teams and take out the garbage, they are working parents, scholars, doctors, teachers, construction workers, they are playful children, innocent babies, elderly survivors and all of whom have every bit of right to live and deserve those of moral conscience to fight for that.

Sincerely,

Joy Henderson

Dear World

Dear World

I'm angry at you, furious, like ready to scream at the first person who provokes me, like wanting to punch something all to mask the fact that I am frustrated, scared, sad and powerless. Unless you've been living under a rock, you've heard about the destruction of Gaza and it's people. Is this a one sided rant, I guess if you think this destruction is okay, it's going to come across that way, so duly warned. I've been simmering on this for a while, too afraid to write because ultimately I'm going to piss people off, if my Facebook posts haven't already done so, but I didn't earn the nickname "Mouthy" many years ago for nothing, so I may as well do it justice. I just hope I can do justice to what I'm feeling.

I can't claim to be an international expert. I'm pretty smart and have been reading up on the issue for some time now, but the fact remains that well over 1000 people are dead, about 80% of them civilians. Now you may think that they are Hamas sympathizers, or angry Muslims or terrorists whatever, but the fact remains that they are people, most of them innocent. A great many of them are elderly, children, people without arms or means to a life outside of poverty, in short, they are pretty helpless when it comes to fighting the 11th most powerful military in the world. These people are being killed, relentlessly as they sleep, as they seek shelter as they seek medical care or spiritual sanctity. These are PEOPLE.

I can't believe I live among folks who consider themselves progressive, but refuse to value these lives. (I'm looking at you NDP leadership-I expected this shit from Harper and Baird, but not you!) They justify it, ignore it, give weak responses, say that the media is biased, when at the start of this destruction, the media was letting go of journalists who were bringing back the stories that showed a hint of what the people of Gaza are going through. Thankfully that has changed and journalists are at least somewhat being encouraged to do their jobs. They protest conditions on First Nations reserves and rightly so, but Gaza is apparently okay.

You can call me whatever you want, brainwashed, lefty, even worse, but I'm going to tell you something, if saying that targeting a civilian population, when you have the bloody technology to accurately target is wrong, then have at it.

Fact of the matter is, if you can look at those disproportionate numbers of civilians killed, and if you can look at photos of dismembered children and the grief ridden parents and not question it, then I've got to ask what in the world is going through your mind? If this were happening anywhere else in the world, you'd be raising hell. I cannot get over how people who protested and criticized their governments over the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and the slaughter of innocents can so blithely write this off. Did I miss a memo? Are the people of Gaza less human?


I'm a mother, I'm a child and youth worker, I'm a person who cannot look at these photos and not be shocked, saddened. I can't imagine what those mothers, those families are going through. The desperation of having no water, no electricity, no shelter and no safety and trying like hell to keep yourself and more importantly, your children alive. I, like most parents have for a few brief moments experienced the fear a parent does when their child wanders away, is in danger, or is hurt, or does something dangerous, it is excruciating and never before have I felt such panic and terror, it still makes me anxious. Imagine that (if you're a parent) 24/7 and no way out.

Peace will never come of this, if people haven't figured this out by now, then we cannot call ourselves civilized. If we can brush off or justify the murder of innocents to root out enemies, we cannot call ourselves civilized. If we cannot call out each other when we are out of line without all hell breaking loose, we cannot call ourselves civilized...we can't even call ourselves adults at that point.

Forget party lines, forget race, ethnicity, religion. Forget nationalism, borders and money and alliances. Remember that every child has a wish for when they grow up, every (good) parent wants to see their child grow up and be happy, old people want peace and happiness, students want knowledge, farmers want to grow, doctors want to heal and the list goes on and applicable to any one of the what 7 billion now? People on this Earth. In the big picture, our hopes, dreams, lives, fears are not all that different, we have more commonalities than not. However you have to want to see that, you have to fight for it and have faith and believe that somewhere deep inside a person, there is a significant part that is like you, even if they don't want to see that. If you've lost that piece of you, that willingness to do so, I'm afraid for you, I'm afraid for humanity.

SUMMER! Summer summer summer summer!

Can you tell I'm a little excited? I've been seriously lacking in writing during the school year, because school funnels writing away, and seriously after writing and editing umpteen papers, the last thing I want to do is to be on a computer. But it's summertime. The kiddies are off in a few days, vacations starts, pool parties, patio nights, long lazy days, and I finally got the urge to write again.

As most of you know, I'm studying Child and Youth Work. For those who don't know what the hell we do, we basically work with kids. More often than not, we work with kids who have problems. Whether developmental, behavioural, socio-economic, legal etc. We're pretty spread across the board. Schools, group homes, community agencies, detention centres, children's aid or equivalent.

It's exciting learning and practicing and working with children. A lot of it was stuff you instinctively know as a parent, some of it came from growing up in a high risk community, some of it came from my previous work and there is a whole bunch of new things that connect all the dots.

What's challenging though is being a CYW and a parent. I mean its good because it's harder for my kids to outsmart me. It's great because I have a new understanding of how local schools work, what resources are available and can better make a judgment on how well a school is performing socially. It's hard because I tend to over think some things. It's hard because when I'm in my kids schoolyard, I want to participate with the kids. It's hard because parents ask me for advice, and I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

One of the hardest things is separating the mother from the worker. I want to nurture every child, make everything better, and I worry when I come home. I went through my placement this year having a very difficult time decompressing and it added a lot of unnecessary stress, which ultimately affected my physical health. Thankfully this year's placement looks a lot more positive with better support for debriefing and such.

The best though has been the community and the brilliant things I have picked up and has enriched the lives of my kids. I've made amazing friends, I have a giant network of childcare in a pinch and I know they'd be awesome. lol I've also brought so many games and ideas and fun back to my children it's made life great. I love that I can go to a school talent show and genuinely enjoy and get shivers from the hard work these kids have done, the immense talent, the amazing support they receive from their peers, and the ability to be in awe of how great they are. It's also given me an opportunity to understand my kids more, to see their needs and put a larger scope to it. It also makes me grateful for how easy I have it as a parent. When I see parents out there struggling with real issues for their children, suddenly those 6am squabbles between brothers don't seem to be such a huge problem.

That said, I'm still excited for summer, largely because I get to spend time with my children. To enjoy their discoveries, play silly games, appreciate their quirks (my boys are weird, but it works for them and I love it) and soak in all the time and sunshine I can with them.

Open Letter to People Who Think Fat=Undisciplined

So because I've been off living my life (aka, playing with my kids, keeping up with kids at placement and writing papers non-stop) this little thing passed me by

What's Your Excuse Mom via Jezebel

So basically, mom goes on a tirade as to why we don't all look like her after three kids and that people who are overweight are undisciplined. Now she's been banned from Facebook. I don't necessarily agree with the banning, let her say what she wants (however wrong) and let the chips lie where they fall.

But I'm sick to death of this tired old belief that fat people are lazy and undisciplined. I can wholeheartedly say that this is so patently untrue that is boggles my mind. Which right now is pretty exhausted after spending the day catching up on my neglected housework before doing a shift at a group home with 8 kids, 5 of them severely autistic and consequently getting good whack by one of them.

Darling, let me tell you something, I am not lazy. I am hard working and determined. However where my priorities lie are way different than yours. I'm sure you are a loving mother, so that much we have in common. And as a mother of three boys as well, I don't need to tell you the hard work I do. I have also had to negotiate a divorce and accommodate for the extra needs that has generated for my children. It basically means, giving them my all for the majority of time I have them. I took for granted the luxury of being on autopilot once in a while when I had them full time. That said, I'm sure we're both great moms.

Where we differ though, is that you put a lot of energy into your body looking a certain way. You can say it's because you're interested in being healthy, but I gotta say, I'm plenty healthy. I have made it so far through almost half the school year without so much as a sniffle. And let me tell you, working in a group home and staying healthy means I have the immune system of James Logan...aka Wolverine.

I'm a size 14-16. I'm healthy. I won't provide actual hardcore proof (lab reports and confidential stuff), so you'll have to take my word on that.

You see, outside of our commonality of family, I put a lot of energy into my education, my placement and of course my friends, whom I consider family. I have a 4.0 GPA. I'm very proud of that. It isn't easy to come home at night, play with your kids, cook dinner, do your chores and then write a paper. The other night I was up til midnight getting everything done, only to be up at 5:30 the next morning to get to school to do a group project related to fundraising.

My house while messy isn't a total disaster. I have help thank goodness, I don't know where I'd be without my angel helpers, but I do a lot of it too.

I have a placement, which means I spend a lot of time working with some seriously high needs kids. When coming home to a house of three young boys sounds like a relaxing vacation, you can get an idea of how much work this is. Not only am I dealing with complex neurological issues, I am also caring for these kids, showing them that I have a vested interest in them, When I'm not dealing with them, I'm working with kids who have had pretty rough lives and now live in a home with workers coming in and out. I am on, I am focused, I'm present and I am determined to show them that there are adults out there who care. This takes not only a lot of empathy and patience, but applied knowledge and skills and it's non-stop brain running action. I finally got to sit down 15 minutes before my shift ended to do paperwork.

I had a peer evaluation recently, in fact I've had several over the past few months and you know what? They were all great. The latest one I was near tears because my classmates had said such wonderfully kind things about me. And outside of the fact that my three little guys are awesome, this is something I am most proud about. I try to live my life so that people will remember how I made them feel, and for the most part, I want them to feel like I treated them well, that I'm caring, funny, supportive, respectful and hell, even nurturing (most of my class is 25 and under). Hearing that feedback really let me know I was on the right track. I can safely say that having gone through the weight loss, the plastic surgery, the high of reaching that target weight, none of that even begins to compare how good I feel when people tell me that I have treated them well. When you prejudge people based on how they look, you miss that boat, and for that, I do feel bad for you.

See and the crazy thing about that is that that takes discipline too. I get angry, I get annoyed, I want to tell people to stick their head where the sun doesn't shine VERY frequently. I can judge and write off people just as easily as the next person. I can look at a behaviour they are presenting and not take the time to look under that behaviour. But that's the easy route. Looking at someone who may come off as a grumpy, standoffish, arrogant and trying to see beyond that takes a lot of freaking work and discipline. Working as a co-parent takes a lot of freaking work and discipline. Getting a 4.0 takes a lot of freaking work and discipline. Are you getting the picture now?

We all have different lives, different goals, different experiences. While I love my flashy hair, my purses and increasingly eccentric style, forcing my body to be shaped the way you'd like it isn't a high priority for me.

It's not that fat people don't have discipline, its that many of us apply it differently. Yep, there are some fat people who abuse their bodies by putting junky food into it, just like there are some thin people who abuse their bodies by starving it, but just as I take the time and effort and DISCIPLINE to not judge a whole group of people based on their BMI, I would love it if others who claim I don't have any discipline to exercise theirs.


Many thanks!

xoxo

Joy

Why I'm glad I'm divorced

I had a moment today. I was sitting in my placement with my supervisor there and my college supervisor. They discussed key items about my placement and what I need to accomplish, then came the time my placement supervisor reviewed comments from the staff about my performance. I have been at this place two days a week since September. It's exhausting, dirty, and sometimes dangerous work. However its also challenging, dynamic and very fulfilling work as well. The reviews came in and they were glowing. My buttons were bursting as the old saying goes. 3, 4, 5 years ago, they would not have been because I was a different person.

2.5 years ago my husband left me. I had a 6 month old baby, two small children and just getting over some post partum depression. It was a huge shock and a deep blow. I had no clue how I'd survive, how my children would fare, how I'd ever trust someone with my heart or be happy again. I was pretty devastated, I didn't eat for a week, I dropped 10 pounds the first three weeks, 70 more that year. My family and my friends were very very worried about me. The first two months were more autopilot than anything, but slowly, I came out of the fog and started to rebuild.

As much as this was an accomplishment on my part, it would not have been possible without my friends and family. They pushed and prodded, they dragged me out of the house for silly nights, they supported and held me when I cried. They say the happiest people are grateful people, and for me, this is true. While I got to see a lot of negatives with people in this time, the love and generosity in people I experienced, changed my outlook forever and restored my faith.

Dragged out for a good time 2011

Move forward to today and I'm a different person than I was in my marriage. I'm outgoing, bubbly, positive, someone who will take risks and most importantly confident in a way I haven't been in a very long time. I feel like I've reconnected with the girl I was and am back on the path I was supposed to be on had I not gotten married.

I surrendered myself in the marriage, it ultimately might have contributed to its end, I can accept this. My confidence was my husband's, my decisions his, he was my saviour and his opinion of me meant worlds. I would never be the person who would travel to Cuba with just a couple of girlfriends or drive across a province on my own. I would have not gone back to school or chosen a career that consistently requires me to put myself out there. I would not be doing well in a group home with very high needs adolescent clients.

cuba 2013

Shortly following that fog lifting, I started to try new things. I took a few courses, traveled, exercised, dated. I was constantly surrounded and encouraged by a huge loving community all determined to see me succeed and thrived. I learned to have patience that I never before had, I learned to accept things I couldn't control and worked on myself instead.

Newfoundland 2011

I got a whole new relationship with my children. A deep and loving one. As much as I was picking myself up from the blow, they too were doing so and I witnessed first hand the resiliency among children and I learned how to support them in this. So far, so good, they seem happy, healthy and relatively normal, as normal as little boys get.

Somewhat normal 2013

I sat there today in that office and realized I have a wonderful life. I have love, hope, drive and fun. My needs are simple, my demands are simple. I have confidence in myself beyond what I ever had in my marriage. The reason being is because I survived divorce and lived to tell the tale. I've not only survived, but I've come out of it a better person, a happier person. When I go into a challenging situation, I know I can do it, and if I don't, I can rise from that failure, dust myself off and try again.

Right now a lot of my friends are going through separations, divorces and breakups. I'm not going to tell you its easy, its hell, for a good amount of time there will be plenty of significant challenges thrown at you. You will feel empty, lonely, hurt, sad, bitter, angry and spent. But every challenge you conquer you will gain insight about yourself, and what's more, you will gain power. Yes, you have another even bigger hill to climb, but this time your tank is a little fuller, you're more prepared and have a little more belief in yourself that you will get over it. My friends, you are all beautiful women, strong, stronger than you believe, and if that mousy little thing that used to be me got through this, you too will get through this and chances are, you'll be a far more powerful, sassy and strong version of you.

FAQ Scarborough

So I wasn't planning on writing a blog post today, but as usual, I read something and it pisses me off, prompting a blog post.

Today's candidate is Michael Bolen and his piece in the Huffington Post about my 'burb, Scarborough. Super generalization about Scarborough

Now I grew up in downtown Toronto for most of my life. I spent my preschool years in Scarborough, and then moved downtown, and moved back when I was in my 20s. I admit, it took some time to grow on me, and I being of small downtown mind just assumed that every white person on my street was a horrible bigot who would just as soon spit on me and that there were no people of colour, or same sex couples, or young people.

Holy wow, I was wrong big time. In the past 15 years I have lived and worked here, I have been humbled from my downtown assumptions and haughtiness by the mixed and wonderful and sometimes quirky community that makes up this great, but underrepresented region of Toronto.


So let me tell y'all a thing or two about Scarborough.

It is not a wasteland. There are people who live here, nice people, raising their nice families, working hard at their jobs (not always nice). Their kids go to school, they watch hockey (yes, us minorities), they visit friends and family and all in all try to make a good life for themselves. Yeah, I know, Scarberia. It's huge, we often get snow when downtown doesn't get any, there are huge tracts of forests in the middle of communities, but there are people here, lots of us!

There is culture. I loathe it when people say there is no culture in Scarborough, that it's just a bunch of big box stores. If you define culture by boutiques where you can buy a necklace hand crafted by some hermit who lives in a cave in Jordan, or a coffee shop that only sells coffee made by llama babies culture, then yes, that's pretty hard to find. What's easy to find is millions of stores, restaurants, events from a myriad of cultures. See, culture is not just a eurocentric thing, it doesn't look a certain way and it doesn't show up in only certain spaces. If you're willing to walk into a plaza and check out the stores, you'd be surprised.

I'm not dodging bullets. Very few of us are. Look at any crime map and you'll see the rates of crime are pretty similar to other areas of the city. Like Toronto, North York, Etobicoke etc. we have our areas which see more crime than their fair share, I grew up in such an area downtown and can go into a big explanation about socio-economics and crime, but that's best saved for a paper which I'll receive a grade for. Seriously, the biggest uproar my community has had in the past five years is some neighbour ratting everyone out for minute bylaw infractions. Not criminal, annoying yes, but not criminal.

We're not all right wing. My riding showed the most support for Rob Ford in the city. Want to know who our city councilor is? Glenn De Baermaker. Not exactly someone you'd call right wing. Again, why the juxtaposition? Because Glenn routinely listens to, and delivers and people thought Ford would do the same. The big issue? Yep, you guessed it, subways.

Don't get all huffy, this isn't the first time a mayor candidate zeroed in on a single issue and ran with it. Many campaigns rely on finding that hot button issue, picking a side, and hoping it resonates with the city. Why? Because voters aren't thinking about huge complex issues and problems and political allegiances. They think about their lives, their frustrations and what has or hasn't worked for them in the future. Now I didn't vote for Ford, however I can see and feel and understand the issue of not feeling heard by a lot of rich white people downtown, many of them purporting to be left wing. "Oh, I've ridden the subway a few times from Scarborough and back, it was fine" they say. Okay, try it every day, on top of a 40 minute bus ride to actually get to the subway. See how many delays there are. In my class, which is downtown, there is a definite trend every day, which end of the city will be late because of a train delay. Those who live in Etobicoke, or those in Scarborough.

These people trek into the city day in and out, frustrated and voicing their concerns, and they're dismissed by downtown city councilors and the mayor of the time. Rob Ford, the opportunistic guy he is, sees that, and boom! He has himself a campaign. People finally feeling like they're being heard, and to a degree they are, even if he's helping people with one hand and robbing them with the other. I'm not trying to portray suburbanites as stupid either. I'm just saying that voters across the board everywhere, don't usually look at the whole picture.

We're not all conservative. I mean in more of a social sense. My church was affirming, there are plenty of young female leaders here, and people are generally accepting, or they just don't really care about things like that, only if you're a nice person and good neighbour. Yes, there are people here who aren't as supportive of things like rights for LGBT communities, or who believe that only one religion is awesome, or that women have their place. Bolen blames this on immigrants and minorities. Newsflash, people like that are EVERYWHERE. I don't have too go far in my mom's downtown community to find a white guy who has no problems dropping the n-bomb everywhere. How many people in Rosedale or Cabbagetown are interested in having a homeless shelter in their vicinity? I grew up in Regent Park, it's surrounded by rich, mainly white communities. Trust me, there's plenty of bigotry to be had downtown. I'm writing this bloody post because of bigotry, and really, as I see it, a lot of it stemming from classism.

We're not all old. There is a good senior population who have lived here since the beginning of Scarborough (pretty much) but there is a tonne of young families. There is a tonne of youth. I know this because I work with children and youth.

We're not all white. Seriously I have to explain this? Have you even been to Scarborough in the past 20 years? Scarborough is one of the most diverse areas of the city. I know this surprises some people, but really, if you come and spend some meaningful time here (not just to try and win a seat in a by-election *cough* Giambrone *cough*) you would know that.


We're not all rich, nor are we all poor. There is a huge collection of incomes in Scarborough. We have our rich neighbourhoods, our poor ones, and a hell of a lot of mixed ones. I know movers and shakers who live here, I know awesome car mechanics who live here, in my neighbourhood. It's an eclectic mix, but that's a healthy sign.

We do have cars. I love my car, I love to drive. Most Scarberians love cars. Wanna know why? Because it's hell to get around here via TTC. I'm sure Etobicoke feels very much the same way. My youngest goes to a preschool which is about 10 minutes away via car. Via TTC, it would be an hour away, assuming no construction, no traffic snarls, no TTC issue. See why I love my car? People say we're crazy drivers, nope, I'm throwing Etobicoke under the bus for that prize...sorry, you're awesome in many other ways.

There also seems to be this pervasive belief that we don't have communities. We just tend to our lawns and go inside our homes and don't talk to our neighbours. This is bull. We have community gatherings, we talk to people in our neighbourhood, we watch kids grow up, and often move back when they are able to. I can't tell you how many people have moved back to my neighbourhood. Honestly, I feel a difference in people when I come back to Scarborough, maybe it's related to a lot of the cultures that live here, but things seem to go a little slower, a little more chill. On a nice summer day, it can take me an hour to walk around the block because you have to stop and talk to your neighbours.

We have good schools. They may not be RICH schools, but they are good. The things I consider a good school, is a good culture among the staff, a good culture respecting people and students, work is being accomplished and mainly, people are happy. I want teachers who are happy to be there, who love education. I want CYWs in my kids school who jump at any problem ready to go. I want a principal whom I can run into in the ICU and we can support each other through very difficult times (true story!). School should be a big part of the community. I brag about my kids school, shamelessly. My son's grade 3 teacher has already done some mind blowing stuff academically, but is also a CYW's dream in his classroom culture.

There's no good food. What??? What???! Anyone from Scarborough who knows their way around would just stare at you, or have you medically examined. Scarberians love to debate where's the best place to get a patty, oxtail, dim sum, doubles, coffee, cannolis, fish and chips. If you know how to find it, the food here is damn good, and the best thing is, they are little treasures that we keep to ourselves, unless you ask nicely, then we'll tell.We have farmers markets, we can drive for 20-30 minutes and just go to the farm ourselves.

There's nothing to do. Admittedly, if you're looking for a lot of nightlife, galas, clubs, things going on, downtown hubs, it's a tough sell. A lot of time, activities include going to the park, playground, talking with your neighbours, going on a hike, going fishing, going to the beach (yes, we have them too! And the sand is much softer.) Getting ice cream, going to the community centre etc. It's not a terribly flashy place to live. People mistake this for a lack of culture.

So there is modern day Scarborough in a nutshell. It's a long post, but it's a big place. I wouldn't have much to write if I were in a homogenous community. I'm not saying you have to love it, but I am saying to not lump us all in preconceptions because chances are, you're way off.

Coming to Terms with Your Fat

I had a conversation with my 7 year old last night. In the course of it, I told him that mommy was fat. He shrugged his shoulders and said so what. I explained to him that some people think fat people are ugly. He replied that those people were crazy and need to go back to kindergarten, it’s what is inside that counts. I bought him a puppy…okay, I didn’t buy him a puppy, we already have a St. Bernard, but I beamed inside, kissed him and told him that I thought he was a kind and wonderful little boy.

I’m a 34 year old mom of three boys, 5’5 and 200lbs. I identify as fat to my kids because I want them to see a face with the word fat and that face is going to be of the person who loves them dearly. Every time they’re directed to see fat as something awful, they’re going to see dear old mom, who as moms go, is a pretty cool person, or at least so I think.

As most women I struggle with body image issues, but more and more, I find myself accepting of my body. It’s strong, it’s healthy, it’s given me three beautiful children, it keeps a licking and keeps on ticking and I’m sometimes convinced I have Wolverine type healing powers.

I think it’s important to come to terms with my own body issues in order for my kids not to have them, but also to think twice before buying into fat shaming or a societal ideal of beauty. While they may not face the level of scrutiny of weight management that girls and women face-though the pressure is mounting for men, if many years from now they decide that girls don’t have cooties, it’s important for them to not only tolerate body diversity, but to accept and value it.

So I’ve made a list for myself to come to terms with my weight, which works more than not, hopefully some will see some wisdom in this list or be inspired to make an even better one.

1.       Find stuff you are good at.

I was in my class with my fellow students and we were discussing something which prompted some pretty nasty comments about fat girls and sexuality and apparently we have a hard time getting laid. It initially hurt my feelings, but after having my two cents and essentially putting those making fun of weight in their place, I remembered that I was one of the top students in that class. I’m damn good at school. I’m also good at writing, raising kids, doing my job, cooking, dog training, swimming and bouncing back from shitty situations.

2.       Find something physical you are good at.

This isn’t so much for exercise-though I will attest to it being a great anxiety killer, but to be connected with your body. Knowing what your body can do and working on building that skill set reminds you that there are reasons to love your body, it gives you confidence in it. Whether you go it alone, or take classes, try to find something you can do. Also, by all means, find size positive classes, trainers, teachers, role models etc.

3.       Find size positive friends.

No, the friendship doesn’t have to be focused strictly on being size positive, but don’t spend all your time with people who body hate their own or others bodies. I have friends who are great, but at least once a week the conversation turns to body hating and I tune out, walk away, find something else to do. I’m heavier than all of them and to hear them complain about how fat they are, doesn’t exactly put me in the right frame of mind for feeling confident in my body, because that kind of nonsense is as contagious as ebola. In another group of friends, we get together regularly and snack on all sorts of goodies, we rarely talk about weight loss and/or working out for the sake of getting thinner, it’s a safe place to just chill and enjoy company and something yummy.

4.       Same goes for your partner.

My previous partner always told me I was beautiful, but it was hard to believe when his head was turning at petite women and physical activity between us was minimal. My current partner says it and backs it up.  His actions towards me reinforces that he finds me very attractive physically and mentally. He never misses a moment to tell me that I’m beautiful or smart or funny or a pain in the ass. (I admit, that’s often, but it’s just me being cute).

5.       Find size positive media.

I’m not talking about finding a group of people who revere fat, and certainly not those people who fetishize it, but in terms of media, images we take in, messages we internalize. Reading Cosmo not only will kill your brain cells as fast as aspartame (get rid of that shit too, it’s really bad for you), but it doesn’t send the message that body diversity is normal. Nor is listening to female musicians who gripe about their size 2 body. My favourite musician is ripped, with what I noticed a mommy pouch we all seem to inherit after having kids. She makes no apologies for not buying into the traditional norm of what is being a woman and encourages others through her songs to look outside the box. Bonus points for swearing a lot too. But there is media out there, more and more size positive blogs, celebrities, models, clothing companies. Support them, write in, buy, tell them to keep it up, because lets be real, media affects us all, and we need to find stuff that represents us in all our glory.

6.       Find something you like about your body and play it up.

I’ll tell you one thing, I might be one of the heavier gals in my various groups, but I am the one with the best goddamned hair this side of Canada!  I can also wield these big brown eyes as well as any sweet puppy, kitten or whatever cute thing that makes your heart turn to mush and fall under my control.  It is important to like parts of your body until you love all of it. Find those parts, spoil them rotten, play them up and don’t you dare feel guilty about it.

7.       Focusing on the outward still, find the right clothes, shoes, purses.

With more and more stores catering to plus sized women, it’s getting easy to find some awesome clothes instead of wearing shapeless things or something matronly. Find the right dress, the right fit (something you feel comfortable in!), the right lingerie, the right shoes and a killer purse doesn’t hurt. Can you tell I’m a girly girl? If you’re not into that stuff, find something that makes you look good. Hell if it’s a Harley, more power to you.

8.       Back to the inside, do not tie negative baggage to your weight.

Have an ex that left you for a model? It would be pretty easy to tie that to you being too fat, instead of examining the deeper roots of your relationship breakdown, or that your ex is just a jerk. Have parents who would constantly harp on your weight? Fuck ‘em and their parenting fail. You are right here, right now. You need to find a way to let that shit go because more than cellulite and extra fat, that weighs you down. The key here is to feel good about yourself right? I’m not saying it’s easy, but find things to reinforce your awesomeness. Positive friends, doing a job well done, a good therapist, hobbies, whatever works for you, I’m not going to say yolo because that’s stupid, but we only have a limited time on this mortal coil, making a decision that you’re going to fight for yourself to be happy, is probably one of the best ones you will make.

9.       Accept compliments.

For some dumb reason women have been conditioned to downplay ourselves. If someone tells you, you did a good job on something, say thank you and internalize THAT. If someone says you look beautiful, say thank you. I can see my partner rolling his eyes at this one because I seriously need to work on that. Chances are, if enough people are saying it, it’s true, so quit second guessing. I promise, I’ll try to take me own advice on this one.

10.   Enjoy.

Think you’re too fat to go out dancing with your friends, flirting with people, having sexy time with your partner (or some random stranger if that floats your boat) or enjoy a nice meal at a restaurant or go to the gym, the park, a fall fair? WRONG! If your body can do it and you look at it objectively and think once you put away all that negative shit about your size, you’ll have a good time, then go for it. I went to a concert earlier this year wearing a cute pink dress that was sleeveless and came up just above the knee. I was with friends, at an awesome concert, having the time of my life, you better believe I was up dancing. And you know what? Nobody cared that the fat chick was dancing and singing. Everyone in that stadium was having a great time. And if anyone did care, sucks to be them wasting a great concert worrying about the fat chick dancing.

From early on in life, we are fed a very strict diet of what constitutes beauty, but with more and more people connecting via social media and the internet, we also live in an exciting time where people are challenging that. There is backlash to be sure, but it’s also empowering to read and write and hear and see fat positive people who aren’t apologetic for existing. Explore that, enjoy it, learn from it and let it bring out the strength in you.